Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!
by BlueCrescentMoon999
Summary: The title is self explanitory. May be very OOC, but that happens in a humor fic... First BK fic, R&R! No flames please... Chapter 9 up after a very long wait! Sorry it's so late!
1. Hansel and Gretel

BlueCresentMoon999: Wheee! First BK story!

Kalas:...why am I here...

BCM999: Because you're my muse, silly!

Xelha: Then why am I here? Huh? Huh? Huh?

BCM999:...Because you're my muse too!

Xelha: Two muses? 'is confuzzled'

BCM999: ...disclaimer please!

Kalas: 'sigh' I get paid right?

BCM999: 'crosses fingers' Sure!

Kalas: BlueCresentmoon999 does not own Me or Xelha or any BK related things. Neither does she own the story Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, or Pinocchio. In fact, she's so stupid, she doesn't know who does.

BCM999: Shut up you! R&R Peoples!

* * *

" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

* * *

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 8/17/05

Chapter One: Hansel and Gretel

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Once upon a time, deep inside Moonguile Forest, there was a small wood cabin. Inside this cabin lived a poor woodcutter, Georg, with his son, Kalas, and his daughter, Xelha. They were, as I said, a poor family, and Georg went out everyday to chop wood, so he would get paid, and go to Cebalrai to bring food home.

"What! Me? A woodcutter?" Georg asked angrily and looked up at the authoress. He shook his fist, "You've got to be crazy! I'm an inventor, I say! An inventor!"

'Shut up you! This is my story! Go with the flow, Fool! And shut up, okay! You're screwing my story up...'

Kalas folded his arms. "You can't talk to Gramps that way!"

'Shut up! All of you! I control your fate in this here story, so you'd better do as I say, Fools! Ahem anyways...'

The money Georg brought home was lessening. The man he worked for, Giacomo, was deducting from his pay for absolutaly no reason at all, except for the fact that he hated Georg. Thus, their family was starving to death.

"So this is Giacomo's fault!" Kalas exclaimed, "It's his fault we're in this stupid story? I thought we killed him! What's he doing alive!"

'I said shut up!' the Authoress snapped, 'I'm not done with me intro yet!'

Xelha narrowed her eyes, annoyed at the Authoress. "You actually put me in a family with these two? You're crazy if you ask me-"

'I never asked you, Fool! Suffer my wrath!' I viciously dropped blueberry pies on their heads. 'Now shut up and let me finish me freakin' intro!'

"Whoo-hoo!" Kalas cheered! "Pie! We're not starving anymore!"

'Don't make me drop Lemon Meringue on you, fool! Now let me finish!'

The poor woodcutter then sent his children out into the dark, scary woods to see if they could find food to eat. Xelha, being the smart protagonist in the story versus the stupid one, took a piece of bread, their last one, before they left. Therefore, she could leave a trail of breadcrumbs incase they lost their way. The two of them left down the faint dirt road, searching for food...

Utter Silence

'Hello? Kalas? Xelha? That's your cue to read your lines...READ, FOOLS!' the almighty Authoress commanded.

"Well, grumpy Authoress..." Kalas smirked and held his hands behind his back. "What happened to 'Nyah! Let me finish my stupid freakin' intro! Nyah!'"

'I'm done with my stupid freakin' intro, now say your lines like we rehearsed! GO, FOOLS!'

Kalas turned around. "Hmph! Fine then! But tell me why I have to wear this stupid outfit!" He looked down at his white button up shirt with a collar, and pockets on both sides, accompanied by a pair of green puffy pants, and a brown hat with a feather hanging off, "This is so stupid!" He remarked.

Xelha was wearing a frilly pink dress with gloves and matching shoes. Completing it was a white hat on her head. "Come on, Kalas! I think it's cute!"

"Hmph...fine then. But why do my shoes have to look so retarded..." Kalas held up his right foot which had a brown shoe that was curling up near the tip. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...," he moaned.

"...Kalas...we're in the middle of a story here, get back in character!" Xelha hissed and took out the slice of bread. As she walked merrily across the path, she droped the breadcrumbs.

Kalas chased after her. "Gee, the least you could do is wait for me!"

They soon reached the end of the path, and Xelha was out of bread. The two of them slowly looked from down the path, over and up to the house standing in front of them.

"WAHHH! It's a dream come true!" Kalas squealed as he ran up to the house and licked the window pane. "Mmm...it's sugary..." He switched to the siding. "Mmm...it's pepperminty..." Next was the roof and it's brown shingles. "Mmm...chocolaty...!" While Kalas, was having the time of his still-too-young-to-vote-life, Xelha stared at the house in amazement.

The door,made of white chocolate, slowly creaked open, reavealing a short pudgy person wearing a long cape, baggy panty, a tiny pointy hat, reading glasses, and a candy cane for a wand -- all a bright, flourescent shade of pink. Xelha cocked her head to the side. "Are you a witch?"

The person growled and waved the candy cane in the air. "No, Fool! Witches are females! I am not a girl! I AM A MAN I TELL YOU! I AM A WARLOCK!" You see, the witch was really Geldoblame.

Kalas leapt off the roof, to come crashing onto the ground. He said, through a mouthfup of chocolate, "HAHA! You're a guy that's wearing pink! You know how stupid you look! Probably even stupider then me!"

Xelha snatched a large stick of gum out of the ground and bopped his head. "Don't be mean! Excuse me, kind Sir, do you have any food you could spare for us? Our family is starving! Please?" She batted her eyelashes at him and quivered her bottom lip.

Geldoblame sneered, "Why of course, Little Lady! Step inside my house, which is not being used to tempt little kids into coming so I can eat them, why don't you?" He stepped aside, and allowed the two of them to walk in.

Kalas and Xelha looked around excitedly. "Oooooooooooooh!" Kalas exclaimjed and couldn't contain himself. He scurried over to a coffee table and bit its leg off, "Chocolate! Chocolate!" he cheered.

Unknowingly, the evil witch, --er I mean 'warlock'--, pulled an oversized butterfly net out of his tiny pocket and snatched the two kids up in it. "Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!" He cackled, "I knew this oversized butterfly net that can amazingly fit in my tiny pocket would come in handy someday!" He threw the two of them in a cage, and locked the door. Afterwards, he ate the key, chocolate of course, and smacked his lips. "Ahh, sweet, sweet victory! NOw I have something to eat other then chocolate, chocolate,chocolate!"

Kalas looked at the bars of the cage he was trapped in and smirked. "Well sorry for you, but speaking of 'chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!', I saw that the bars on this cage are chocolate too!" Being the more unintelligent protagonist in this here story, and not knowing that any smart villain would have known the bars were chocolate and booby-trapped them, Kalas took a big bite out of a bar, but immediately regretted it. "BLEEEECH!"

"Ha! It's not sweet chocolate! It's unusually salty chocolate from Ubowbowbownia!" Geldoblame laughed.

Xelha raised an eyebrow curiously. "Where's Ubowbowbownia?"

"Hey, it's in the script, Fool!" Geldoblame shrugged. After pulling out a piece of paper and looking at it, Xelha nodded.

"I guess I missed that part..."

"Nah, when we rehearsed that part, you went to the bathroom," Kalas commented.

'AHEM! Story!' the angry Authoress snapped.

Kalas plopped down onto his bottom grumpily and scraped his tongue with a random ballpoint pen he found in his pocket, as an attempt to get the awful taste off his precious taste buds.

Xelha watched glumly as Geldoblame was hastily throwing chocolate at already burning flames to make it bigger. "Let us go please!" she pleaded, "If you do, I'll give you a cookie I have in my pocket! It'll make a nice lawn ornament, 'ne?"

"Ooh! What flavor!" Geldoblame squealed with delight.

"Um...chocolate chip?" Xelha quickly blurt out nervously.

"BLECH! I like pecans in my cookies! And like I'd let a free meal go..."

Kalas poked Xelha's shoulder, "You don't really have a cookie, do you?" he asked suspiciously.

She blinked. "H-how could you t-tell!"

"Xelha, you're a horrible liar. Plus there's the fact, you don't have any pockets. I still remember the time you tried to keep a little baby squirrel in your room and were feeding him acorns, and when I asked you why you were hauling 10 bags of acorns upstairs, you said you were going to make a pitcher of acorn juice..."

She put her hands on her hips, "Hmph! What's wrong with 'acorn juice!'"

He rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows, acorns don't give off juice...the bark of the tree does."

"But the squirrel was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! I named it...'Squirrel!'" Xelha exclaimed happily and clapped her hands.

Kalas shook his head. "Gee, how original..."

She glared at him. "You shut up! It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! I Awwwwwwww...widdwe Squirrel..." Xelha began oddly hugging herself.

"AHEM!" Geldoblame screamed and waved his candy cane from side to side, "I'm about to eat you here, and you're talking about a stupid squirrel!" He stomped over to Xelha and grabbed her wrist in blind fury. "What's this? You're all skin and bone! I'll have to fatten you up!" Geldoblame put a finger to his chin. "What to feed you..."

Kalas angrily looked at the Authoress. "Well MAYBE we wouldn't be so freakin' SKINNY if the stupid Authoress would've let Gramps get good pay-"

'Idiot! That'd ruin the freakin' story, now keep going...'

Geldoblame cleared his throat. "Ahem! I repeat, WHAT TO FEED YOU...!"

'Oh!' the Authoress remembered that was her cue. She ran over to a record played and turned it on to play a choir singing reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally high notes. She then dropped a turkey dinner in the cage, complete with a turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, a cornucopia, stuffing, two pilgrim hats, and a candle. 'HoHoHo! Merry Thanksgiving!' She rang some Christmas bells.

Geldoblame blinked. "Well howdy-doo! It's Christmas in August! But why is the stupid Authoress talking in freakin' third person..."

'Shut up you! The antagonist is supposed to be stupid and unknowing of those things!'

Kalas and Xelha couldn't believe their eyes, and began their feast at once. Suddenly, someone, very loudly, busted the door down. It was Gibari, Savyna, and Lyude! All carrying axes/halberds!

"Where's Little Red Riding Hood?" Lyude demanded.

"We have to kill that stupid wolf, Maurice's stomach open to rescue Granny before we get out lunch break," Savyna explained and yawned tiredly.

The Authoress scoffed, 'Idiots! That's the nest story! This is Hansel and Gretel! Shoo! Go away, Fools!'

Gibari snorted loudly and rudely. "Fine! We'll be back! And don't you talk to us with that kind of tone, Fool!" he huffed, "Weareidiots Ninja Clan! NINJA POOF!" he screamed and they 'poof'-ed away.

Xelha was hungry, and had a plan. "Kalas!" she exclaimed, "The front door! It's open! GO!"

He blinked, confused, "Huh? OH! THE FRONT DOOR!" Kalas ran for it, but forgot he was in a cage, and ran into the bars, denting his fragile, but unimportant, skull. Xelha snickered we she finished the meal quickly. Kalas turned back, red lines on his face, "Xelha,...there's b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b--"

"Will you be finishing that word?" she asked.

He sighed, "There's b-b-bars...Hey, what happened to all the food? I only got one little bite of stuffing..."

Xelha looked at him innocently. "Huh? Oh! I don't know! I didn't eat it all while distracting you by making you stupidly run into that wall of bars made out of unusually salty chocolate from Ubowbowbownia..." she poked her two index fingers together.

"Oh...okay..." He shrugged, but turned back around, enraged, "Didn't I tell you, you suck at lying? YOU ATE ALL OUR FOOD!" Kalas screamed and took out his ball point pen, threateningly. He threw it at Geldoblame for no reason, hitting his head. "XEHLA I SWEAR I WILL HEIMLICH MANUVER YOU UNTIL YOU PUKE UP ALL MY FOOD! I'M FREAKIN' STARVING!"

The Authoress took pity on Xelha, and dropped a pan, filled with scrambled eggs 'n bacon, on Kalas' head. He stopped threatening Xelha, and stuffed his big mouth, happily.

Geldoblame screamed and pulled a handful of hair from his head, only making him balder then usual as he yelled, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M FREAKIN' HUNGRY! RAWRHHHHHHHH! I'LL EAT YOU NOW!" He crazily opened the cage and grabbed Xelha out to bring her to the open fire.

"MMMFFPH!" Kalas cried, through a mouthful of eggs 'n bacon, "XELHAMMMFFPH!"

The Authoress never did remember to make a way for the heroes to cleverly escape at the last minute, like they always do, so she did the 1st thing to come to mind. 'Oh, well!' She dropped a 10,000 ton anvil, meant for Giacomo, on Geldoblame, therefore knocking him out, but conveniently missing Xelha. He hacked up the chocolate key, amazingly not damaged while floating in Geldoblame's vile stomach acids...

Xelha grabbed the key, hesitantly since it was covered in rancid Geldoblame spit. "Icky, icky icky..." she opened Kalas' cage, and he climbed out.

"Huzzah!" Kalas cheered. "Freedom to eat that freakin' freak's house because I'm still freakin' hungry!" Xelha glared at him and pulled Kalas outside.

"We...are...going...HOME!" she screamed impatiently.

Kalas yanked his arm away. "Wait! I have an idea!" He grinned maliciously. "We bury the freakin' freak before he wakes up and steal his house while we're at it! Think about it, Xelha! we'll never go hungry again!"

"...would you look at that...I guess it is true...everyone has at least one good idea in their thick skulls..." Xelha blinked, shocked. "But where are we going to get a shovel?"

He smirked. "Three words, Xelha, three words...hardened...chocolate."

Xelha narrowed her eyes at him. "You idiot, that's only two words." She hissed, but he didn't hear, because he had already gotten himself a shovel made out of dark chocolate.

"YAHAA!" Kalas got to work and, soon, had dug them a deep, yet wide, hole. "Ya think that freakin' fat freak will fit in here? After all he IS awfully fat..."

"Sure, whatever, just help me carry him." Xelha was back in the house. The Authoress had conveniently lifted the anvil off, leaving them to drag Geldoblame, who was REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY fat.

Suddenly, Folon popped up from behind a tree. "Helloooooooooo! I'm Folon, playing the part of Pinocchio!"

Kalas was pulling Geldoblame's leg when Folon popped up. "Hey, Buddy, give us a hand with this freakin' freak, would'ja?"

"Sure thing, Bud!" Folon chirped. His nose suddenly grew an inch longer as he merrily skipped away.

Xelha watched as he disappeared. "Look on the bright side! Maybe he went off to get a crane to lift this freakin' freak!"

"Stop being so optimistic, Xelha! He's not coming back! Don't you know, when Pinocchio lies, his nose gets longer!" Kalas asked.

She blinked. "So he's a horrible liar like me?"

"Yes, now, shut up and pull." Kalas insisted between yanks.

30 Minutes Later

They gave up on pulling and decided pushing might be easier. "Man, we haven't even for the freakin' freak out of the doorway, yet!" Kalas exclaimed, "I give up..."

"...Maybe it's 'cause he's too fat to fit through to doorway..." Xelha suggested, not giving up.

On cue, the Authoress magically dropped a crane from the sky. Xelha grinned. "See? I told you that Folon went to get a crane!"

"You idiot, that was the almighty Authoress!" Kalas snapped and climbed in the mysterious device, "Huzzah! Modern day technology! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorship!...Wooooooooooooooooooooorship!" He chanted between bows.

Xelha hopped in, pushed a few buttons, and pulled a lever. The crane lowered and picked up Geldoblame. "Hey! This is just like those crane thingys that people have a shopping malls that have stuffed animals and other random crap inside them that cost 50 cents to play!" she clapped her hands.

"...You don't know what you're talking about, do you?" Kalas sighed.

Xelha pointed up and the almighty Authoress. "She did it!"

'Shut up you! and get back in character!'

"Tch...like I ever was in the first place?" She folded her arms. Kalas pushed a button and it lifted the freakin' freak up. He pushed a different button, and it dropped him in the hole. The two of them jumped out of the crane, and used their chocolate shovels to cover him up, before Kalas ate them...

"Now let's go home and bring Gramps here!" Kalas exclaimed and they began down the path, when suddenly, a monorail appeared next to them! "More modern day technolegy! Woooooooooooooooooooorshi-" Xelha thankfully thwacked the back of his head.

"Shut up and get in," She said, and the two of them got in. Xelha sighe deeply. "I used that piece of bread for nothing I guess..." They rode off and soon reached their home.

Kalas ran inside. "Gramps, Gramps! Come see! We found food!"

Xelha walked in calmly. "I still don't get it...if he's out father, why do we call him 'Gramps?' Shouldn't we call him... 'Dads?'"

Either way, they rode off in their modern day technology to Geldoblame's house, where Kalas, Xelha, Gramps, their little Greythorne named Meemai, their Black Caplin named Fee, and their tiny furry squirrel, Squirrel, all lived happily ever after. Until Halloween came and all the neighborhood's kids robbed them of their candy

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BCM999: Wheee! Finished! Review please!

Kalas: 'snort' as if they will...

BCM999: Shut up you! Don't discourage the readers, Fool!


	2. Little Red Riding Hood

BCM999: YAY! MY FIRST MULTICHAPTER FIC! 'throws confetti'

Kalas: 'eats the confetti'

BCM999: O.o ...disclaimer?

Xelha: 'happily appears, marveling over a certain Squirrel' KAWAII! X3

Gibari: 'poofs in front of me' THE WEAREIDIOTS NINJA CLAN WILL READ THE DISCLAIMER!

Savyna: 'poofs' ...what the idiot leader said.

Lyude: 'poofs' BlueCresentMoon999 does NOT own Baten Kaitos or and related items. Neither does she own anything here except for her OWN version of Little Red Riding Hood, which is way dumber then the actual story.

BCM999:...R&R?

* * *

" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

* * *

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 8/25/05

Chapter Two: Little Red Riding Hood

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Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Xelha who lived just outside Nekton, Shrine of Spirits, with her mother. Xelha's Grandmother lived deep inside the forest, and she was really sick with some unknown sickness, so Xelha's mother sent her over there with a basket of food to make her feel better. Not meaning that food is the cure to everything, but anyways... After preparing a smorgasbord of food, her mother tied a red cape with matching hood on Xelha's neck before sending her off to her grandmother's house.

Xelha walked along the dusty path, looking around nervously, as she muttered to herself, "This place gives me the creeps!" She glanced at the cape with a hood that her mother gave her. "Man, I hate red! Why couldn't it have been pink! Pink takes off ten pounds!" She looked up angrily at the Authoress and glared at her. "I loathe you..." Xelha looked back at the ground before adding, "With GREAT intensity."

'Shut up and read your freakin' lines, Fool!' The Authoress hissed and dropped a random rotten Kumquat on her head. 'You're...so...difficult at times!'

"Hmph! Fine!" Xelha blinked a few times and held the basket up on top of her head. Slowly, she lowered her hands. "Lookee what I can do! I can balance the basket on my head!"

Suddenly, Meemai gave a loud squeak, causing the basket to fall off of Xelha's head. The giant hand of the Authoress reached down from the heavens, surrounded by little chibi angels wearing little halos and playing harps, and grabbed the basket before it fell. 'Be more careful! Jeez...fools...'

Xelha grabbed it and continued merrily down the road. Meanwhile, a wolf, named Maurice, was hiding behind random tree # 40987254343, chomping on a tomoto whil he watched Xelha. He needed a lunch, and that basket was perfect! Maurice decided to get to her Grandmother's house first, so he could get the basket. The wolf ran ahead, taking a shortcut even he didn't know about, the Authoress tipped him off, and quickly getting to the house.

Xelha was quietly humming the Mission Impossible song while skipping along happily. "Bum! Bum! Bum bum bum! Bum! Bum bum! DA NA NAAAAAAAAAAA! DA NA NAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DA NA NAAAAAAA! DA NA! WA NA NAAAAAAAAAA! WA NA NAAAAAAA! WA NA NAAAAAAAA! WA NA!"

Suddenly, Gibari, Savyna, and Lyude popped out from behind random tree # 31767257150. "Weareidiots Ninja Clan! UNITE!" He struck a pose...that I will not type.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!" Xelha shrieked.

Out of random tree # 928715807926, popped Kalas. "Did I hear someone scream? I, ROBIN HOOD, STEAL FROM THE RICH, AND GIVE TO THE POOR! Come Friar Tuck!"

Lord Roldofo groaned, "What do you want..."

The Authoress burst out in laughter. 'HE DOOOOOOOOOOOES LOOK LIKE FRIAR TUCK!"

"You...you shut up!" Rodolfo snapped and threw the kumquat I dropped on Xelha back at me.

'HEY! OY! Only the AUTHORESS can throw stuff at people! Plus, you two aren't supposed to be here! This is Little Red Riding Hood! NOT ROBIN HOOD!' she re-dropped the kumquat on them.

Kalas scoffed, "Well. They both end with 'hood' so how do I remember!" He took his little green pointy hat off and threw it at the ground behind his shoulder. "Then what role do I play in this chapter?"

'You and Roldolfo aren't in this story. In fact, ROLDOLFO ISN'T IN ANY OF MY CHAPTERS! You're in the next one, Kalas, and you were already the main protagonist in the last one so shut up and SHOOO! GO AWAY!'

"Fine! Be that way!" Kalas folded his arms. "Let's go, Roldolfo!"

Rodolfo shook his fist. "That's LORD Roldolfo to you, boy!"

Gibari, Savyna, Lyude, and Xelha all blinked twice. Savyna cleared her throat. "Ahem...we are the three axepeople of the Weareidiots Ninja Clan! Where's the wolf? We need to chop his stomach open before we get our lunch break..."

"Ooh! Are you eating that?" Gibari pointed at Xelha's basket. He looked crazy from hunger, not that he always isn't of course.

' You three go away! You're not supposed to be here yet! SHOOO! GO AWAY! You'll get your lunch break soon...'

"That's what you said three days ago..." Lyude moaned and gripped his stomach.

'I SAID SHOOOOOOO!'

Savyna hmphed, "Hmph, we should've rehearsed more..."

Gibari held a small blue ball above his head. "WEAREIDIOTS NINJA CLAN! NINJA POOF!" He threw it at the ground, and they all hacked and coughed before disappearing.

Xelha shrugged and walked mindlessly along the path continuing to sing the Mission Impossible song. 2.123 seconds later, she was bored of Mission Impossible, so she switched songs to LA BAMBA! Which the Authoress conveniently found the lyrics to in a web search!

"PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA! PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA! SE NECESITA UNA POCA DE GRACIA! UNA POCA DE GRACIA! PA MI PA TI! ARRIBA Y ARRIBA! Y ARRIBA Y ARRIBA POR TI SERE! POR TI SERE POR TI SERE! YO NO SOY MATINERO! YO NO SOY MATINERO! SOY CAPITAN! SOY CAPITAN! SOY CAPITAN! BAMBA BAMBA! BAMBA BAMBA! BAMBA BAMBA!" But alas, she was bored again.

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL! ...IN A BARBIE WORLD! ...nah..." Xelha put a finger to he chin thoughtfully, then looked up at the Authoress. "Why can't I sing that song?"

The Authoress looked around nervously. No one was staring at her! 'Because I don't know all the words, and frankly, I don't care either.'

Xelha blinked again. "So then...99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 99 BOTTLES OF BEER! TAKE ONE DOWN! PASS IT AROUND! 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 98 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 98 BOTTLES OF BEER! TAKE ONE DOWN! PASS IT AROUND! 97 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 97 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 97 BOTTLES OF BEER! TAKE ONE DOWN! PASS IT AROUND! 96 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 96 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! 96 BOTTLES OF BEER! TAKE ONE DOWN! PASS IT AROUND! 95 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!"

The Authoress then proceeded to take out her trusty earplugs from her back pocket, and stick them in her ears, because Xelha is a horrible singer.

Three hours, twenty-six minutes, and seventy-one seconds later

"One... bottle of... beer on the... waaaaaaaaall... one bottle... of beer... take... it... dooooooown... pass it around... zero... bottles... of... stupid... beer... on... that... freakin'... wall..." Xelha muttered and plopped down on a rock. "This is taking way too long. And why did you make me sing that whole stupid song anyways!"

'HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!' the Authoress screamed. 'WHAT'D YA SAY?'

Xelha growled and glared up at the mighty Authoress. "Take those stupid earplugs out."

'WHAT? HUH?'

"I said, 'TAKE THOSE STUPID EARPLUGS OUT!'"

"WHAT? HUH?

"I SAID,...I SAID!...GRAHHHHHH!" Xelha heaved a boulder at the Authoress, which crashed into her fragile computer.

STORY INTERRUPTED

"We are sorry for the inconvienience!" two little Kalas chibis chirped in unison, "But the Authoress is torturing- er, we mean, making Xelha fix her computer!" They both suddenly jumped in a monorail and zoomed off.

STORY RE-CONTINUED

Xelha was repositioned in front of her Grandmother's house to make up for lost time. "Ooh! I was conveniently repositioned in front of my Grandmother's house to make up for lost time!" Xelha grinned fakely. She walked up to the wooden front door and knocked on it thrice. "Grandmother! It's me! Xelha!"

Maurice, the wolf, was already inside, trying to convince Xelha's Grandmother, Barnette, to let him eat her. Psh! Like you would just LET a random wolf come up and say, "Hello! May I eat you?" and actually LET him!

Barnette took out a purse and whapped the wolf with it. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed. Ha, try to imagine Barnette with a purse...hitting a wolf with it.

The wolf flew into a crock pot, which flew into a chandelier, which flew into a teacup, which flew into a hard cover book, which flew into a cat, which flew into Barnette, who flew into Maurice's open mouth. he then ran to a closet and put on some of Barnette's clothes. Tsk, tsk, tsk...a wolf cross-dresser. Never saw that coming.

Xelha walked into the room and sat down on randomly generated chair # 2147641060165. She shifted herself around uncomfortably. "Hello...Grandmother..." with a snicker she added, "Been packing on the pounds lately, eh?"

"What? Why, I never!" Maurice snapped with a gruff voice.

"Oh! Grandmother, your voice sounds funny!"

"Well that's because I'm sick!"

Xelha cocked her head to the side. "Really? I didn't know that!"

The Authoress smacked her forehead. 'Why did I have to use this idiot...'

"What big ears you have, Grandmother!" Xelha exclaimed.

The wolf chuckled to himself. "All the better to hear you with, my dear!"

"What big eyes you have ,Grandmother!" Xelha exclaimed.

"All the better to see you with, my dear!"

"What big yellow teeth you have, Grandmother!" Xelha exclaimed.

"ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH!" Maurice screamed and leapt out of the bed. Xelha hit him with her rod, full force. He slammed his head into the ceiling and was knocked out cold.

'XELHA, YOU IDIOT! THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT! You were supposed to let the Weareidiots Ninja Clan come in with their axes, so they get thier lunch break! YOU RUINED THE CHAPTER!' the Authoress waved her hands in the air.

Suddenly, Gibari, Savyna, and Lyude busted the wall down. "Someone say our names?" Gibari asked in a 'superhero' type of tone. "THE WEAREIDIOTS NINJA CALN WILL SAVE YOU!" He yelled and dove at the wolf, axe wielded. "AHA! I SEE YOU, YOU EVIL WOLF!"

Savyna cackled. "Lunch break, here we come!"

Next scene is censored for blood and gore

Gibari, Savyna, and Lyude all clapped their hands. "Nice job, Weareidiots Ninja Clan! All done!" Gibari cheered, "TO THE IDIOTMOBILE, then... TO LUNCH!" Lyude unsuspectingly grabbed the basket.

"Mine!" he hissed, and they all sprinted off.

A newly revived Barnette looked around angrily. "I... am...covered... in... evil... disgusting... icky... yucky... gross... slimy... wolf... spit... and... stomach... acids...May I take a shower?" she didn't wait for a reply and ran off to the bathroom. There was a sound of water running and screams of "evil sewer gnomes."

Xelha shook her head. "Why did I have to audition for the part of Little Red Riding Hood..."

The Authoress dropped a pineapple on her head. 'You didn't audition, Silly Goose! I bribed you with avocados!"

"..." Xelha shook her head. "Avocados? And I said yes? Jeez, what was I? Drunk?"

'Considering you sang the whole '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' song, I'd say yes. But either way, you screwed my chapter.'

"Serves you right for making me wear this stupid red ten-pound-adding outfit..." she snickered.

Kalas randomly poked his head through the space that Gibari and the others made in the wall. "Are you done with this chapter yet?" He waved a sheet of paper in the air. "I'm done memorizing my lines!"

Roldolfo peeked in. "I quit my day job. I AM NOT FAT!...Or bald for that matter."

The Authoress dropped some caviar on them. 'I AIN'T DONE YELLING AT XELHA FOR KILLING MY CHAPTER YET! SHE SCREWS MY STORY...I SCREW HER!' She looked back to Xelha, to see her gone.

"Run...AWAY!" she screamed and was scurrying off like a certain Squirrel.

The Authoress' eye began to twitch. 'This chapter is over.'

Kalas looked at Roldolfo. "Let's have a big ol' cheese curd party!" he cheered.

"We can invite everyone!"

"I'll get the cheese curds!"

"I'll get the GameCube!" Roldolfo added, "Trademark of Nintendo."

"Ooh! Don't forget the BK game we rented!"

"Who would?"

"...you..."

"Don't forget the memory card either!"

"...I won't answer that..."

The Authoress dropped a squishy banana on their heads. 'I SAID THIS CHAPTER IS OVER!'

Kalas' bottom lip quivered. "But...What about our party?"

'I don't care about your stupid party.'

"Stupid?" Roldolfo asked, "It is most certainly NOT stupid!"

"Yeah! What the bald guy said!" Thus, this earned Kalas a glare from the fat man. "Any game with BK in it is NOT stupid! Unless if you're calling ME stupid..."

'...so what if you are?' the Authoress snapped.

Kalas gasped. "How...how could you say something like that!"

'...what's 1+1?'

"...AUGHH! YOU'RE STRAINING MY POOR BRAIN!" Kalas screamed and collapsed onto the floor in a heap of mush.

Barnette exited the shower with a bath robe on and saw a dead Kalas on her floor. She shrieked in fright and fainted.

Roldolfo shrugged and left the room.

The Authoress sighed and turned off her computer.

* * *

BCM999: Yay! 'squeals' Another chapter uploaded!

Kalas: My poor brain...

BCM999: ...what's 0+0?

Kalas: 'screams'

BCM999: X3 Review please! I now accept anonymous reviews. I didn't before because I was an idiot and forgot to push the button that accepts anonymous reviews. .

Kalas: Because you're stupid?

BCM999: ...what's 1 X 1?

Kalas: AHHHHHHUGH! 'runs away'


	3. Cinderella

BCM999: YAY! CHAPPIE 3! X3 I updated a day early, because school starts tomorrow, and I'll be updating late from now on... 

Kalas: You're an idiot.

Xelha: 'smacks him with her rod' Don't be mean!

Lyude: ...Xelha's the main char in too many of these...

BCM999: Aww...but it's sooooooo fun to make fun of her! X3

Gibari: WEAREIDIOTS NINJA CLAN-

Savyna: SHUT UP! We are NOT idiots! AND WE'RE NOT A NINJA CLAN EITHER!

BCM999: Disclaimer...please...maybe?

Mizuti: BlueCresnetMoon999 does not own BK or Me or Xelha or Lyude or Kalas or Savyna or Gibari or Geldoblame, or Giacomo, or-

BCM999: ...stop...please...

Kalas: Tch...the one time she speaks in correct grammer and it's in a stupid disclaimer.

Mizuti: Oh...Kalas want to say that again?

Kalas: Sure. Your grammer skillz suck-

BCM999: OKAY! START THE STORY!

* * *

" " talking ' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 8/31/05

Chapter Three: Cinderella

Once upon a time, in a house in the city on Mintaka, there lived a family of four. In this family was a girl named Xelha, her stepmother Barnette, and her two step sisters, Kodelle and Catranne. They were a rich family but Xelha's sisters and stepmother made her clean the house everyday. All she did was cook and clean all day from sunup till sundown.

Xelha folded her arms. "Well, gee! That's not very nice!"

Barnetet, Kodelle, and Catranne shook their fists and the (mean xp) Authoress. "We're not that mean at all"

'Shut up all of you! Xelha, if you screw up my story one more time, i'll drop a plate of hors' doeuvres on you! Ahem...'

One day, they got word of a ball being held at the Imperial Fortress by the Emperor, Lyude, and his brother, yes his brother, Kalas, shut up and go with the flow. Xelha desperatly wante dto go, but her stepmother made her stay home and clean the fireplace/chimmney.

Xelha blinked. "But I can't clean the fireplace slash chimmney! I secretly have athsma and no one knows-"

'Those aren't your lines, Fool! READ YOUR LINES!'

"Fine! Hmph!" Xelha pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and began to read monotounously, "Oh. Woe. Is. Me. Whetever. Shall. I Do."

The Authoress dropped a mushy pumpkin on her head. 'More emphasis, Fool!'

Suddenly, a fairy with wings popped up. "Hello, Xelha! I am your Guardian Spirit! I can take you to the ball!" She waved a brown, skinny wand in the air, and a giant squash appeared with two, also gigantic, Greythornes pulling it along.

Xelha looked up at the spirit with a dumb look on her face. "A...a...a squash? But there's a pumpkin in the script..." she glanced back at the paper again.

'Well, so-o-orry! But I wasted it dropping it on your HEAD, Fool!' the Authoress snapped back.

The Guardian Spirit smiled a cheesy smile and clasped her hands together. "And here's a pretty - witty - schmitty - litty - mitty - bitty - nitty - fitty dress for you too!" she waved the wand again and Xelha was fit with a long red sleveless gown and a little tiara with amythest rhinestones.

"Aww...come on!" Xelha complained and rolled her eyes. "I TOLD you, red makes me look fat! Pink takes off ten pounds..."

"...aww...I'm sorry!" the Spirit cocked her head to the side apologetically. "But pink was taken by Sleeping Beauty!"

Xelha growled under her breath and climbed in the squash, only managing to say, "..."

The Greythorned gallopped off, (...can Greythornes gallop? ) and the Spirit disappeared not before saying, "Off to Snow White!"

Xelha was off! The Greythornes hopped of frantically like two bullets, leaving Xelha in the giant squash, her face an expression similar to O.O. "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!" she screamed as she traveled along the really bumpy road.

A few times, the squash would run over a tiny pebble, causing Xelha to fly into the air, and hit her head on the mushy ceiling. If it weren't for the doors, she would've fell out a lo-o-ong time ago.

Eventually, she reached the fortress. Since the Graythornes weren't very smart...they ran into the front door, resulting in a really, really, really loud crash. What do you expect from the Greythornes...The sudden stop sent Xelha's face flying into the front of the squash.

The door swung open, and she limped out. "Whoohoo! That was AWESOME! Let's do it again! I ache all over! Whooooooo!"

'Don't just stand there, Fool! Go in!' the Authoress gave her a small shove. Xelha wasn't expecting it, and therefore tripped on thin air, flying into a puddle of mud.

"Now look what you did you evil Authoress!" she snapped. The Authoress decided that since she was going to do something evil to Xelha later, ('snicker, snicker'), she just Aqua Burst Level Six-ed Xelha to get all the mud off. "Gee...thanks...now I'm all wet..." Xelha said sarcastically. So, the Authoress then used Wind Blow Level Six on her!

Xelha coughed. "...thanks...for...nothing." she coughed twice more before heading inside. It was packed with people all wearing pink dresses or suits.

"...Everyone's in pink except me..." she glared up at the poor, yet still almighty of course, Authoress. "Stupid Authoress! I'm the only one not in pink!" She put her hands on her hips angrily.

'Who you calling stupid, Stupid! FOOL! I PWN YOU!' the Authoress dropped a hive of killer bees on her head.

"EEK, EEK, EEK!" Xelha shrieked and ran around in a circle, screaming and panicking...not usually a good combo...

Random person dancing #333 looked at Xelha. She glanced back at her companion. "Is that some kind of new dance?"

Random perons dancing #4270 shrugged. "Who knows kids these days...Let's try it!" He began following Xelha in her circle. (Think...after Quzman died and everyone celebrated -- er I mean...danced...O.o) Random person dancing #333 then followed #4270, in which #9702 joined, #104, and even #.04 too! Soon, everyone was screaming their heads off.

The Authoress paused. 'That...wasn't in...the script...' an anime sweatdrop fell from her head.

"NEITHER WAS YOU DROPPING THESE FREAKIN' BEES ON ME, NOW WAS IT?" Xelha screamed.

'...an almighty Authoress has gots to do what an almighty Authoress has gots to do, 'ne? Ooh...she just got stung in a place I shouldn't type...here...I'm feeling oddly nice today.' she snapped her fingers. The bees then disappeared.

>> In a cave at the Celestial Alps 

Giacomo cackled malilciously. "BWAHAHAHA! They thought I disappeared and died! But when I poofed away, I poofed away to here! MWAHAHA!"

Suddenly, a swarm of killer bees appeared above his head. They repeatedly stung him. "OWOWOWOWOW!" He ran out of the cave; the bees persistantly followed. There was a nearby lake, and he stupidly jumped in. The swarm hovered above and when Giacomo surfaced, they stung him.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" He yelled and dove back down. All traces of air left from his lungs, and he swam back up.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" Giacomo ducked back in the lake, and soon floated up.

"OWOWOWOWOW!"

>> Back with Xelha 

"Where'd you send the bees?" she asked, curiously.

The Authoress looked around nervously and coughed. 'Uh...you'll find out soon...' Xelha gave her a suspicious look.

While everyone was still running in circles freaking out for no apparent reason, a loud fanfare was played.

BUM BUM BUM!

Everyone kept dancing.

BUM BUM BUM! RAPATATABUDDASHOOKAWORTOAMAKA!

Still 'dancing.'

A random trumpet fell on all the idiot's heads, and they stopped dancing to explode. Xelha, convieniently, dodged the trumpet, and glared at the Authoress.

"Are you trying to kill me or something?" she snapped.

'...maybe- erm, I mean...no? Anyways, you already died in the- ...never mind...don't wanna bring up a spoiler...' the Authoress then decided to unknowingly, yeah right, drop a rabid Squirrel on her head. It landed and immediatly went on a 'bite Xelha' spree.

"OWOWOWOWOW!" Xelha yanked the squirrel off, and rejoyced. "YAY! It's you, Squirrel! I missed you! I haven't seen you since...chappie one!" she pulled the furry critter into a tight embrace and danced arong in a circle.

The Authoress dropped a bowl of linguini on her head. 'FOOL! He mae a guest appearance in chappie two! as random forest creature #97,013!'

Xelha's eyes widened. "97,013 forest creatures? That's alot...Damn..."

'No, stupid! There's 870,245 forest creatures, FOOL! Squirrel here was only #97,013...' the Authoress dropped random Kalas chibi #70,192 on her head.

She gasped. "A Kalas chibi! WAHHHHHHH! I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!" She squealed and pulled it into a death grip.

'...It's supposed to be scary...with its vampire teeth and blood sucking ablities-'

"...BLOODSUCKING?" Xelha threw it forcefully to the ground and stomped on it. "I VALUE MY BLOOD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

Littel sparks flew from the poor Kalas chibi, and its eye bounced out if its socket, hanging from a tiny metal spring.

Xelha picked up the limp chibi. Her bottom lip quivered and eyes began to water as she cried out sobbing, "WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I KILLED KALAS! WAHHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly the fanfare played again, and a gigantic red carpet unfurled on top of the random people dancing's heads. It led to a tiny, dark room, from which emerged Lyude and Kalas.

"This is so stupid..." Kalas scoffed and folded his arms.

"Don't be mean!" Luyde patted his head, like Kalas was a dog. "Now read your lines like normal, and let's go out there! Try to walk magestically! You're supposed to be my 'brother' in this particular chapter-"

"Even though I'm NOT!"

"Yes...yes...they all know that..." Lyude said soothingly and smiled. "Getting back to what I was saying...DON'T SLOUCH LIKE THAT!"

Kalas glared at Lyude. "You can't tell me what to do..."

"But the almighty Authoress can." Lyude smirked.

Kalas paused, lost in translation. "...ahh...forget it...be an idiot..."

The two of them came out to Xelha. Kalas yawned while Lyude blinked. There was complete silence.

"Read your lines!" Lyude hissed to Xelha.

Xelha looked around nervously. "...I...I...I forgot them..." she searched frantically for her paper with the script written on it, to no avail.

The Authoress snickered at her franticness (even a word?). She waved the script in the air that she poofed away from Xelha, unknowingly to her.

Lyude grinned maniacally. "Let's play Tamogatchi!" He pulled a little keychain out of his pocket and looked at Kalas with wide puppy dog eyes.

"...No..." Kalas replied with half open eyes.

"But...but...but..." Lyude was ready to cry.

"...No..."

"...Then let's play SEND KALAS TO OBLIVION!"

"...Never heard of it..." Kalas shrugged casually.

"...He's...not...scared...? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Lyude cried and ran around screaming, something that seemed to turn into a trend nowadays...

"AHEM! I'm in a predicament here!" Xelha snapped them back to reality.

Kalas blinked and sighed deeply. "I'm tired...anyone got a Serta matress with those sheep or whatever I could use or something-"

Lyude meanwhile began to chant,"TAMOGATCHI! TAMOGATCHI! TAMOGATCHI! TAMOGATCHI! TAMOGATCHI! TAMOGATCHI!"

"YOU GUYS!" Xelha hollered and smacked them with her rod.

"Owweeeee!" Lyude whined and kicked her shin.

"...If you don't have your script, just make up your freakin' lines then..." Kalas suggested, sleepily. "Just hurry up...I have an appoinement at the hair salon in an hour!"

Everyone stared at Kalas awkwardly, thus earning 5 mins of silence from the group.

>> 5 mins later 

"What!" Kalas asked, annoyed. "Do you know how much it freakin' takes to keep this stupid hair blue! HIGH MANTINENCE! Idiots..."

Xelha shook her head. "Lines...lines...lines...must make up!" she muttered to herself. "OH! I...like...PEANUTS! Especially...the...little...brown ones? OOH! THE LITTLE BROWN ONES ARE THE BEST-"

Kalas was about to call her an idiot, but a green pipe appeared. Out of it, popped a familiar red hatted with an "M" on it, blue overalled, black moustached plumber. "Mamma Mia!" he cried and dove back down into the pipe, which then poofed away.

The Authoress was roling on the ground in laughter at the protagonist's puzzled faces.

"Freak..." Kalas mumbled.

The clock then stroke 12, and Xelha's clothes poofed back to normal. "Gee...12 already? Goodness...I didn't even get through all my lines yet!"

"And we're behind schedule because you lost your script, Stupid!" Kalas snapped.

Xelha was sick of being called an idiot. "Yeah? WELL HERE YOU GO, STUPID!" She took off her shoe and chucked it at Kalas' head. "MEANIE!"

He scratched his head. "Jeez...owch much?"

When Xelha left, she looked around for her 'squash carrige'. "Where did it go?"

'I spoofed it away.' the Authoress answered.

"Oh! Well, you haven't made an appearence in quite a whil- WHAT DID YOU SAY? HOW THE POOPY AM I GOING TO GET HOME THEN?" Xelha went from cool, calm, and collected to angry as a...um...angry as Giacomo when he was getting chased by killer bees XP. She said poopy!

The Authoress yawned. 'Not my problem, Fool. I'm going to sleep...'

Suddenly, Xelha's hand randomly stretched out of the Authoress's comp and grabbed her. "YOU AIN'T GOING NOWHERE TILL I GETS HOME!" (XD reminds me of the spearman from ToS)

'Fool! I'll do what I please-'

>> Next scene is cencored for Authoress bashing 

'GET BACK IN THE COMPUTER, FOOL!' the Authoress screamed and shoved her hand back in the comp.

>> The next day 

The Authoress walked back to her computer and turned it on again to find it the exact same way she left it, except for the fact Xelha calmed down. 'Better now?'

"...Yeah..." Xelha replied.

'No more sugar...agreed?'

"Agreed...now get me back home."

'Can do.' tha Authoress snapped her fingers, and the squash reappeared.

Xelha cheered, and held up an 'Authoress is #1' yellow hand things to stick her hand in, as she climbed in.

Off they went, being pulled by the giant Greythornes. Xelha still pinned to the wall by the gravitational pull. Soon, she reached her house, and the Greaythornes, still being stupid, crashed into her chimmney she had cleaned yesterday.

Barnette made a dramatic entrance, and busted the door of the room down with a battering ram. (Barnette with a battering ram? XD Imagine that...) "Xelha! What'cha doing home so late! And whatd'ja do, Girl? You made a giant squash and two giant Greythornes explode in mah fireplace, Girl?" (LOL! Barnette has a funny accent!)

No one spoke.

The Authoress smacked her own forehead. 'Oh yeah! I forgot to give Xelha her script back!' She reached her hand deep into the computer and handed Xelha the script.

"Ahh...thanks you." Xelha cleared her throat. "No. Of. Course. I. Did. Not. Mother."

Barnette put her hands on her hips. "And then where were you last night, Girl?" She brought two fingers up to her face and threw them to the side.

"I. Was. Nowhere. Important." Xelha replied.

Suddenly, Kalas and Lyude appeared in the hole made by the squash in the wall. Kalas struck a cheese pose. "Cheese Curders, UNITE!"

Lyude thwacked his head. "Kalas!"

"Owch! Oh yeah...uh...we followed the script and here's your freakin' shoe back." Kalas threw Xelha's shoe at her head. The Authoress convieniently made it miss, and it flew at Barnette (YES! Take THAT evil witch!), knocking her out. "I hope you're happy." Kalas glared up at the Authoress. "You made me miss my appointment with the hair salon. I loathe you..."

"-with great intensity..." Lyude added. "You made ME miss my botany class."

Xelha grinned. "I'm glad I quit my ceramic class for hyper people in need!"

Lyude blinked. "So...is this chappie over?"

'...' The Authoress paused.

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

She shook her head. "It's just...I never thought I'd every hear you say the word 'Chappie''

"IT'S NOT OVER YET!" Everyone turned to see Giacomo outside, covered in bee stings.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!" Kalas laughed. "You're covered in bee stings and ALL PINK AND PUFFY!" He rolled on the ground, laughing maniacally. Well...not as maniacally as the scene in the Lava caves...But you get what I mean...

Xelha's eyes widened. "Jeez...I never thought it possible, but for him, pink ADDS ten pounds..."

Lyude pondered for a moment about Giacomo's return. "...Didn't we kill him already?"

Kalas' eyes showed fire as he stood up. "KILL 'EM AGAIN!" He whipped out his sword and-

>> Scene is Censored 

"TAKE THAT YOU -bleep- MOTHER -bleep-"

>> Scene is Censored 

'Whoa! you weren't supposed to see THAT there! Kalas! Jeez...calm down...You killed him already, relax...and quit making me censor scenes...' the Authoress rolled her eyes.

Kalas panted and resheathed his sword. "I still hate you..."

'Be that way, Meanie!' the Authoress folded her arms. Suddenly, Kalas leapt out of her computer and snatched the keyvoard away.

MWAHAHAHAAA! KALAS RULES ALL! KALAS PWNS YOU! BOW DOWN TO THE ALMIGHTY KALAS IN ALL OF MY GREATNESS! THE AUTHORESS SUCKS PEANUTS AND SHOULD GO TO HEL-

'GIVE IT BACK, FOOL!' the Authoress grabbed the keyboard back. 'FIC...OVER!'

* * *

BCM999: Yay! Chappie 3 up! X3

Kalas: ...gimme the keyboard back.

BCM999: 'hiss' NO! MINES!

Kalas: ...you're stupid.

BCM999: ...you're stupid.

Kalas: ...stop copying me.

BCM999: ...stop cpoying me.

Kalas: ...

BCM999: 'sticks out tongue'

Kalas: ...you're so immature.

BCM999: Quiet you! R&R please!


	4. Intermission!

I just wanna give a big shout out to all the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If anyone that lives in Louisiana or Mississippi, or anywhere the hell that got hit, is reading this, I don't really know how they would but anyways, I want you guys out there to know WE FEEL YOUR SORROW, DUDES! And I want to give you guys a big laugh for the day, just to make ya feel stinkin' better, and that the world doesn't hate you at all. WE LOVE YA GUYS! That was my first sentimental moment of the day, and I'm sharing it with you guys, because I'm an idiot XP. 

Disclaimer: BlueCresentMoon999 doesn't own anything here...well maybe she does own the story this time, but not McDonalds or Mini-Golf

* * *

BCM999: I feel so stupid . I forgot reader reviews last time...

Kalas: You don't FEEL stupid, you ARE stupid.

BCM999: SHUT UP YOU! REVIEWS!

Coalar Lee Drake Thank you! It's good to know I haves me another fan I love the Mission Impossible song too! Mwahahahaaa...

Jukka Canola YES! CHEESE CURDS! And it seems our fan club has died off...'cries' Looking forward to the next chappie to your ToS fic too!

Rebbe I think you're the first one to notice the WEAREIDIOTS Ninja Clan! Or you're just the first to mention it...'sweatdrop' Hehe...thanks for reviewing! ...'accepts the cookie' I love cookies Thankees!

TooLazyToRegister I love your name XP! I had a name like that once...Don't worry. Ayme and Folon will come in the next chapter or so. And I love Folon too!

* * *

" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 9/11/05 (O.o bad date...'hides from random airplanes') uploaded on 9/13/05

Chapter Four: Intermission!

Gibari popped open a door with a sign on it that said 'V.I.P. ROOM!' He walked in and saw all the others, except for Kalas and Mizuti, all sitting on BIG, humongous, BIG, puffy, BIG, red, BIG, spoofy, BIG, fwompy, BIG chairs. "So...what's the haps, dudes?" Gibari asked trying to act 'cool.' He held his arms up with his pinky and index fingers pointing towards the air. "Duuuuuuuuudes!"

Mizuti wasn't sitting, she was floating, like always. "We be being bored."

"Yeah, today's the day we get our break from being enslaved --er I mean...'doing our parts' for that freaky freak, the freaky Authoress." Kalas commented, sprawled out on a BIG bright baby blue bean bag. Haha! Six words in a row that all start with the letter B! X3!

Lyude cocked his head to the side. "Where is the Authoress anyways today?"

"She's gone on a trip. That's why we're sitting here WITH NOTHING TO DO!" Xelha tossed her rod into the air, and it came crashing down on her head, leaving a bruise. "Owchies..."

Meanwhile, sittuated in a dark corner, Savyna was fast asleep, snoring loudly.

"We're supposed to be rehearsing our lines for the next appearence..." Lyude interjected (did I use that word right? ...) in his usual justice-like fashion, as he waved his script around in the air.

Kalas snorted rudely. "Pshaw! Who cares! The stupid stupidly stupid Authoress ain't here! We can do whatty whatever the poopy poop we freak freakin' wanting want!"

Xelha looked at Kalas awkwardly. He was repeating words in an odd way again...that could only mean one thing... "Kalas...are you on drugs again?"

"...What...what's it to you? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO KNOW MY PERSONAL LIFE!" Kalas looked around nervously. "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

Gibari glanced around at everyone. "So...anyone wanna go to McDonalds?"

"YEAH!"

Savyna suddenly woke up and sat. "Wha-? What's going on! I COME IN PEACE! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"

"WE'RE GOING TO MCDONALDS!" Xelha screamed childishly and they all ran outside.

Kalas gasped. "The monorail is here! Woooooooooooorship! Wooooooooooooooooooooorship!"

Mizuti kept floating. "What be a monorail?" She poked the door, and to her suprise, it slid open.

"It's modern day technology, Fool!" Kalas snapped, and everyone climbed in.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! They slid off! Everyone was pinned to the back wall. Suddenly, they flew towards the front wall.

Mizuti floated out, feeling a bit woozy. "Wow! We be gotting here in .05 seconds!" (O.o I didn't understand that...XD She talks so funny!)

Kalas nodded. "That's the amazing amazement on modern day technological technology!" (Try saying THAT 10 times fast! I'll stop interrupting you with my witty wittical comments. O.o I'M ACTING LIKE KALAS! SWEET! XD)

"How can we have a monorail if we don't even have indoor plumbing or toilets?" Lyude asked curiously.

Xelha blinked. "We don't have toilets? But Gibari said he was going to the bathroom once to get out of rehearsal...but if we don't have toilets then..."

"Yeah, and the next time I went in the same bathroom, there weren't any toilets!" Kalas added, "Just a BIG yellowly yellow smelling smelly spotty spot on out whitely white rug-"

Everyone stared at Gibari with looks of disgust on their faces, and wide eyes.

"...What?" He blinked nervously. "I...it...it was...IT WAS LEMONADE!"

They unconfortably entered McDonalds, keeping a watchful eye on Gibari's water intake. Xelha found them a table with 6 empty seats, and they all sat down. "Uh...Gibari..." Savyna began, "You...go order or something."

"Order what?" Gibari asked, suddenly turning all waiter-like.

"Whatever. We realy don't care." Lyude replied. Gibari shrugged, and walked off towards the ordering-placey-place-whatever-it's-called.

Xelha took out a piece of paper and set it carefully on the table. "Watch this!"

It folded up into an origami crane and flew away.

"I have another one too!" She pulled out a different paper, and it folded into an origami sailboat.

Savyna shook her head. "Htis'll take a loooooooong time..."

>> 30 mins later 

"Oh, Oh! Here's ANOTHER one!" Xelha set yet another paper on the table, as 1,000 other randomly generates random things all flew/swam/ran/whatever it did away.

Kalas banged his head on the table. "Makely make it stoply stop!"

Lyude sat huddled in a corner. "Please...no more!" he begged.

Mizuti had a nosebleed from staring at the ceiling light too long as an attempt to kill herself, so she wouldn't have to watch Xelha do absurd paper origami tricks anymore.

Savyna was fast asleep, sleeping.

Luckily for them, Gibari returned with ten cheeseburgers with ten sodas to accomodate. (Did I use that one right? .)

"Uh...Gibari? There's only sixly six of usly us." Kalas pointed out.

Gibari folded his arms. "Who said this gold mine was for you? GET YER OWN BOX!" he sat down, and swallowed a cheeseburger whole. He patted his stomach and burped a loud one. "SANTA'S GETTING FAT TONIGHT!" He screamed.

Kalas' eye twitched. "Meanly...mean...meanie..."

"AUGH! I CAN'T FREAKIN' TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Xelha screamed. "KALAS, I'MA GONNA KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO YOU, BOY!"

There was a loud crashing noise and "signs of blood curcling screams" and the next thing they knew, Xelha was force feeding Kalas some red substance labled "BREATHALIZER POWDER" (Where did that come from...?) Moments later, Kalas was sane again.

"I'll..." he began, "Get our food then..." Kalas held his hand out to them. "Pay up, I'm broke."

"...Broke...?" Lyude repeated, bewildered.

"Yeah. Well see, I wasted all my money on buying a dagger from the shady, suspicious guy in a cloak at the next table," someone nearby waved at them, "so I could kill myself if Xelha didn't stop with her retarded origami paper crap." Kalas explained. Everyone reluctantly handed him some money. (You expect me to know what they call their money? All it says in the game is "G." WTF is "G" supposed to stand for! Someone please clarify this...)

Mizuti folded her arms and huffed. " Great Mizuti should have bought dagger too..."

In Gibari's eating, he splashed Xelha's origami-self-folding-paper with fatty oils. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried in exasperation.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!" Lyude and Mizuti cheered gleefully.

Savyna just snored.

Xelha picked up the limp, soggy paper. "...Poor birdie...Fly! Birdie, fly!" she threw it in the air at an attenpt to...make it fly? The paper came down with a 'clunk.' "WAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!" Xelha burst out in tears.

Kalas quickly returned, with 5 kids meals.

"...Kids meals..." Lyude repeated dully, obviously in a repeating things kinda mood.

"It was all they had left!" Kalas explained, "because SOMEBODY bought all the cheeseburgers..."

Everyone glared at Gibari.

Mizuti pulled something out of her self-proclaimed 'kids meal.' "Ooh! It be being a Barbie Doll!"

Everyone's stare shifted to Mizuti.

Suddenly, and explosion was heard at the door, "LOOKMPH!" Gibari hollered through a mouthful of cheeseburger and pointed ahead.

"RABID GINGERBREAD MAN CHIBIS!" the others screamed in fright. They all ran outside, except Savyna, who was still sleeping, chased by the rabid gingerbread man chibis carrying KILLER CANDYCANE THINGS OF IMPENDING DOOOOOOOOOOM!

Kalas was the first to grow a brain (gasp!), and instead of being chased around McDonalds idiotically by rabid gingerbread man chibis, he scrambled up the giant 'M' sign in front of him idiotically, so either way, he was an idiot. "WHOOOOOOOOO! I'M KING OF MCDONALDS!" he hollered, still idiotically.

Ronald McDonald appeared near Kalas out of nowhere. "FOOL!" He shoved Kalas off to the ground, crushing all of the rabid gingerbread man chibis

"YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!" Everyone cheered, except Ronald McDonald, who's a Grumpy Gus XP.

Out or nowhere, a black minivan drove up tothem. A man in a black suit with matching black apparel climbed up and shoved Mizuti inside. "You're coming with us, FOOL."

She sat down politely and asked not very politely, "WHY YOU BRING THE GREAT MIZUTI HERE?"

"We're taking you to grammer class."

Mizuti's eyes widened. The worst had finally come true. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Kalas stood up from the fall, and ate some of the dead gingerbread man chibis.

Ronald McDonald leapt down, and tackled Kalas. "YOU AIN'T KING, FOOL! I'M KING, FOOL!"

"BLIP! IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE! BLIP!" Kalas screamed as Ronald shoved a greasy cheeseburger n his mouth. Suprisingly enough, it seems, Gigari hadn't eaten them all..."MMMMMMMMMPH!"

Ronald cackled. "EAT FATTY FOODS, FOOL!" He continued laughing as he ran off, not before tripping on a french fry. (Or should I say...'freedom fry'...'snicker, snicker') "I'M OKAY, FOOLS!"

Lyude blinked. "So...who's up for a game of mini-golf?"

"YEAH!"

The monorail reappeared, and they all climbed in. Savyna, who was also inside miraculously, was still, still, still sleeping soundly, and snoring obnixiously loud.

>> .05 seconds later 

Everyone piled out and a mini-golf course was in front of them. Xelha cheered. "Whooooooo! I call the putter with the pink handle!"

"BLUE!" Kalas screamed.

"RED!" Lyude hollered.

"CHEESEBURGER FLAVORED!" Gibari yelled.

"Snore..." Savyna snored.

They all waited at the golf-club-renting-place-whatever-the-heck-it's-called. Soon, it was their turn. The clubs and balls were handed to them. "Can we get a golf cart?" Kalas asked idiotically.

"..." the renter person '...'-ed.

Lyude sighed. "Please ignore Kalas. He has no brai-"

"We have a shopping cart-"

"WE'LL TAKE IT!" Kalas screamed and they recieved a fairly large SHOPPING CART! "Put Savyna in, Gibari, WE'RE OFF TO HOLE ONE!"

Gibari muttered something through a mouthful of soda, and did as he was told.

Xelha decided to go first. She set her ball down. "...Maybe I should move my ball here..." She used the tip of her shoe and nudged the ball upward. "...Maybe lower...meh...higher was better...No...Maybe lower was...Hmmm..."

While she continued talking stupidly to herself, Lyude pulled out one of those lid thingys rom McDonalds. He pushed the little button under 'Pepsi' down, the one under 'Diet', and lastly the one under 'Other.' He moved onto the next lid...

Kalas, meanwhile, was getting bored, and since Lyude stole HIS McDonalds lids from him, sneaky little git, he decided to do the next best thing. He hit himself over the head with the golf club.

Savyna kept peacefully and comfortably sleeping, while Gibari was finishing off his 10th soda. Not good considering they had no toilets there...

"Hmm...the ball should be up higher...no...maybe..."

>> 3 hours later 

"Lower...a little bit higher...not enough...no! Too much! ..."

>> 3 MORE hours later 

"...a little bit higher...almost...-"

"JUST HIT THE DAMN BALL!" Kalas screamed.

"Fine! Fine...touchy..." Xelha muttered and hit the ball with the pink putter. It sailed forward and into the hole smoothly. "WHOOO-HOO! Hole in one!" Xelha cheered.

Kalas was bewildered. "...That's ot! If Xelha could do it, SO CAN I!" He threw his golf ball in the air, and swung his club at it, like a baseball bat. The ball flew in the air, over the whole course, and into a nearby residential window.

"CRAZY KIDS!" and old man screamed, and shook his fist.

Gibari slurped his next soda. "That counts as 10 stroked, Boy..."

"Shut up you!" Kalas snapped. "Let's see YOU get a hole in one!"

"...Okay!" Gibari shrugged, and used his putter to get himself a hole in one.

"Wha-..." Kalas stammered.

Xelha patted his back reassuringly. "Aww...it's okay, Kalas! You're not completely useless...!"

Kalas grumbled to himself. "Stupid...overgrown...peanut-with-a-brush-cut-Gibari..." (XD I love that quote!)

Gibari was taken aback. "Wha! ME? An overgrown peanut?"

With a smirk, Kalas nodded. "No...an overgrown peanut with a BRUSH CUT!"

"OOH, I'LL GET YOU FOR SAYING THAT, BOY!" Gibari began to chase Kalas, but tripped bevause he was too full from the EVIL CHEESEBUGERS THAT MAKE YOU REALLY FAT! XD

"...Lemme try again then." Kalas again tossed the ball up, and swung. He broke another window.

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

>> 3 MORE MORE hours later 

"CRAZY KIDS!"

CRASH!

Lyude kicked Kalas. (Think...Sfortzando or something...) "IDIOT! BAKA LO! JUST HIT THE BALL!" (Lyude called Kalas an idiot in Japanese. XD You just learned a new word today!)

Kalas knew what was good for him, and putted the ball. After two more strokes, the ball went in. "YAHOO!"

Gibari took out the score card again. "Kalas stands at...5 carry the 8 times 139...5,723."

Being the easy-to-make-fun-of-and-manipulate-stupid-one, Kalas cheered. "YEAH! I'm winning!"

Xelha blinked. "The point is...to have the LEAST strokes..."

Kalas looked around. "...Really? I didn't know that.." He walked over to a random rock. "STUPID GAME!" He slammed the putter down on the rock, but unbeknownst to him (I just love saying that XD) it was a rubber rock. The club bounced right back up, with twice the force, and slammed into his forehead.

Time seemed to slow, as Kalas flew backwards from the blow slowmotion/Matrix style. "Oooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwcccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhh...!" He said all deep voice/slow like as he flew into the windnill of hole 16.

>> Time now resumes as normal 

"Idiot!" the person at hole 16 snapped, "You made my ball miss the hole!"

Xelha and Lyude trampled over that idiot though, as they ran over to Kalas all worried like and scared. (Gibari was too busy eating some grass off of the course because he was hungry .)

"Kalas! Are you okay?" Xelha asked, after screaming his name like she does over 100 times in the game XD.

The windmill's spinny thingy spun clockwise and thwacked Kalas' head with every rotation. "...does...it...look...like...I'm...alright?"

Lyude turned around. "If it makes you feel better, after you slammed your putter down, it flew into a random pool of pirahnas quietly sittuated outside the course..."

"Really? SWEET! I feel better already! But then how am I gonna play...?"

Xelha pointed at Gibari. "You can take Gibari's putter. He's not really playing anyways..."

Gibari shook his head in protest. "Hey! I'm here for the free, yet great tasting, grass!"

"I putted already, so we're goin to the next hole." Lyude said as he stood up.

Kalas immediatly also got up quickly, knocking all the others to the floor. "TO THE GOLF-CART-MOBILE!"

Everyone climbed in, and they drove to the next hole.

"I'm hungry!" Gibari complained.

Lyude glared at him. "You're ALWAYS...ahh...never mind..."

Xelha thought for a moment. "You could always just eat one of those random things the Authoress always drops on our heads, but since she isn't here..."

"Yeah, yeah, shut up and putt. We're waiting." Kalas folded his arms, and tapped his foot anxiously.

"Fine, Meanie!" Xelha turned with her nose in the air. "Now...where to put the ball..."

Kalas fumed with anger. "JUST PUT THE FREAKING' BALL SOMEWHERE, YOU IDIOT, DAMMIT!"

Xelha looked hurt as she tapped the ball with the putter. "Whooo! Another hole in one!"

"What the hell?" Kalas pushed her aside as he 'baseball batted' his ball.

"PUTT THE BALL!" Lyude screamed.

"CRAZY KIDS!"

Kalas put the ball down, and putted it. THe ball flew straight up into the air, backwards around in a semi-circle, and towards the old man's residence.

CRASH!

"CRAZY KIDS!"

"RAWR!" Kalas pulled some hair out of his head, leaving a big bald spot. "That freakin' ball is RIGGED!"

Gibari said through a mouthful of grass, "Face it, kid, you've lost the game."

>> With Mizuti 

"Now repeat after me, "Mizuti's mentor said and pointed at a blackboard, "It IS a pink pony. They ARE the pink ponies. Could it BE a pink pony."

Mizuti was straped in a chair and screamed, "GREAT MIZUTI DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!"

>> With the others 

So hole 18 was completed, they skipped hole 16 because Kalas had demolished it.

"Scores stand as..." Gibari began, still through a mouthful of grass, "Xelha, 18, Lyude, 37, and Kalas..." he cleared his throat, "1,342,607,981. Xelha wins!"

Suddenly, an old man stomped over with a cane. "CRAZYT KIDS! YOU OWE ME 134,260,789.1 WINDOWS!" (Since one window is ten strokes, 1,342,607,981 divided by 10 windows is 134,260,789.1 windows! XD!)

He hit Kalas. "OWCH!"

THWACK!

"OWCH!"

THWACK!

"OWCH!"

THWACK!

"OWCH!"

THWACK!

"OWCH!"

THWACK!

"OWCH!"

'IDIOTS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" the Authoress screamed.

Everyone looked up. "The Authoress is back?"

'I LEAVE FOR A DAY AND THIS IS WHAT I FIND? YOU SCREWED UP MY STORY AND SENT OT TO TOO?'

"Uh..." Kalas mumbled.

'DIE, FOOLS!' The Authoress then proceeded to show the cast what happened if you messed up her fic. 'MWAHAHAHAAAA! DIE, FOOLS!"

* * *

BCM999: WHEEE! R&R! An I haves a question. If I was to write a Kalas X Xelha fic would anyone here read it?

Kalas: No they would not.

BCM999: QUIET FOOL! And I could use some suggestions of what to drop on their unsuspecting heads...I'm running out of ideas...'swaetdrop' I have...one...two...three...four more BK humor fics in store and at least 10 chappies for this one already all written out in a notebook, SO KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED! If I have any requests for and fairy tales to write about, I'll fit them in at the end or maybe I already am planning on writing one of them. Also, if you have a request, please put who you'd like to be who in the chappie too, 'kay? 'Till next time then! KONBAN WA!

Kalas: Why'd you just tell them good night in Japanese...

BCM999:...QUIET YOU! .


	5. Jack and the BeanStalk

BCM999: XD HEYO PEOPLES! Sorry for the long wait... 

Folon: But it was worth it! I'm in this one 'nods'

BCM999: ...Yeah...on request...but only for a few lines 'swetadrop'

Folon: WHAT? But I'm here now talking, arent' I?

BCM999: XP So?

Folon: ...DON'T I MATTER AT ALL? WAHHH!

BCM999: Of course you do! You matter!

Folon: You're sure not acting like it...

BCM999: You'll get a starring role as Pinocchio in that chapter, okay?

Folon: YAY! XD

BCM999: XD REVIEW TIME! 'gives reviewers pies'

* * *

Reader Reviews 

Centauri Cruxis Angel XD Yes! I can actually do Origami too XD Glad you still like the fic!

NekoHaruna Aww! You got hit by Katrina? . That must've SUCKED! XD You wanna join the WEAREIDOTS Ninja Clan? XD! Gibari says okay! XD!

animefreakgal456 XD WILL DO! XD How about mauling someone with a pineapple? XD

MeowAngel XD THANK YOU SO MUCH! XD I feel special now! Can do! How about a death match between them and then kicking in the nuts? XD

* * *

BCM999: O.O Almost forgot disclaimer! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN DISASTEROUS! XD

Disclaimer: BlueCresentMoon999 does not own Baten Kaitos or related terms. She doesn't own the fairy tales either.

BCM999: O.O Disclaimer sounded so depressed!

Disclaimer: ...QUIET FOOL!

BCM999: O.O Okay...

* * *

"..." talking 

'...' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 10/26/05

Chapter Five: Jack and the Beanstalk

Now please note that since Kalas is recovering from the last chapter, COUGH COUGH COUGH, Lyude will be taking his well rehearsed place as Jack.

Once upon a time, there lived Lyude and his mother, Almarde, in the small city of Azha, Alfard. They were poor, as the whole villages was, so one depressing day, Almare told Lyude to sell their cow at the local shop just down the street.

"...Almarde isn't my mother..." Lyude muttered to himself.

"And we lived in MINTAKA! We're also absolutaly, positively, indubatively NOT POOR!" Almarde rudely commented.

"Plus, where'd my brother and sister go?" Lyude asked accusingly.

'SHADDAP! Quit messing up my intro! Seriously! You're about as annoying as KALAS!' The Authoress scoffed and folded her arms frustrated.

Scene switch to Kalas sitting in a wheelchair

"It's not nice to make fun of and insult people while they're injured!" Kalas shook a fist angrily. "Oh...owch..shouldn't have done that...my poor hand...my poor arm...my poor sanity..."

>> Back to intro

So Lyude skipped merrily off with their cow, Bob, in hand to the shop.

"PSST! Hey kid!" A mysterious looking person hissed.

Lyude looked at the man. "EWWWWW! You spit on me!"

"No I didn't...Come here."

"My mommy told me never to mysterious looking people who hiss at people and don't say sorry when they freakin' SPIT on you!" Lyude nodded.

"Listen to me, Stupid! You're going ot the store to trade that cow in, right?" The man poked Lyude with randomly generated stick #1416165342235.

"...OWWWWWW! Don't poke me..."

"RIGHT?"

"My mommy told me never to talk to strangers! ...And YOU'RE a stranger!" Lyude pointed at the man accusingly. "And if you scream at me again, I'll shoot you with this poisonous dart gun."

The man pulled on the collar of his shirt uneasily. "...Well I'm not a stranger if I tell you my name, right? I'm Folon. There. Now hear me out, okay Kid?"

Reluctantly, Lyude nodded.

"Okay. If you give me that stupid cow, I'll give you these awesome magic beans! It's an offer you'd be stupid to refuse. Now are you gonna be stupid, or give me that cow, Stupid?" Folon poked him with randomly generated stick #1416165342235 again.

"DON'T POKE ME! ." Lyude screamed, and shot at Folon with his poisonous dart gun.

BANG!

He missed.

Lyude threw the gun to the ground and stomped on it with all his might. "STUPID DART GUN!"

"...I was petrified. anyways...cow please?" Folon held his hand out. Like the cow would FIT on his hand...?

"...But it's MY cow..." Lyude sniffled.

'Hand it over!' the Authoress snapped.

"Fine, fine..." Lyude gave him the cow, or should I say HANDED him the cow..., and Folon threw the beans at Lyude before running away, cackling.

Lyude picked the beans up, and then returned home, which was convieniently 2.61 yards away.

"Ma! Look! I gots some magic beans!" Lyude happily exclaimed.

Almarde was chopping a singly potato for lunch. "Hmm...okay...that's nice dear. Magic beans are so- WHAT DID YOU SAY? . BEANS? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GO GET SOME MONEY!"

Lyude stared at the ground guiltily. "Well...yeah...but-"

"And where did you get those beans! Absolutaly, positively, indubatively NOT from the store!" She put the single potato down, and swung the knife in the air while talking.

The knife scared -no, TERRIFIED- Lyude. "Mom...could you...maybe put that knife down? You might hurt-"

"Don't interrupt me while I'm talking, Boy! Magic beans...Why, you're as foolish as your father! And your brother, and sister, and other brother, and other sister, and other brother, and other sister-" Almarde droned on while pointing the knife at Lyude.

This freaked him out beyond normal freaking out, and he hid behind a random stalagmite growing in the ground on their home.

>> An hour later

"And other brother, and other sister, and other brother, and other sister, and other brother, and other sister!" Almarde finished and took a deep breath.

Lyude peeked out from behind the stalagmite. "Can...I go out an plant them?"

"Aww, sure, what the hell?"

So the red-haired boy merrily skipped out. He knelt over near an empty patch of dirt, shoved the beans in, and skipped back inside.

"Lyude, honey! Time for bed!" Almarde chirped.

Lyude was verily befuzzled. "But I thought you just made LUNCH-"

"SLEEP! YOU! NOW!"

>> The next day

Lyude woke to the sound of birds chirping, a particular Squirrel gathering nuts outside, and anvils falling out of the sky, which ws a very LOUD noise to you unintelligent peoples out there. He walked slowly over tho his window like he did everyday. "Hello little birdie! Hello little Squirrel! Hello anvil that just barely missed my head! Hello huge vine sprawling into my window! Hello-"

He paused and blinked at what he just said and poked the vine. "Ooh...fun..." Lyude looked up at the Authoress. "...I forget what I do now..."

'Climb, stupid, climb!' the Authoress dropped some climbing equiptment on his head, 'GO, GO, GO!'

"Oh! Right!" He grinned widely and strapped on the equiptment, until he got to a buckle he couldn't click together. "ERRRRRGH!"

>> 30 minutes later

"-RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Lyude screamed, and the buckle was .00000000001 centimeters from clicking together when he accidentaly let go.

'UGH!' The Authoress smacked her forhead in disgust and snapped her fingers. The two of them clicked. 'Now CLIMB!'

Lyude climbed up the vine, using the leaves. Soon, the Wicked Witch of the West whooshed past his head, cackling like Geldoblame; not a pretty sight to see. He paused, "That...was weirdly awkward..."

He reached the top cloud, and Lyude began to walk across the wide open space toward a humongous castle. The coloud was unbelievalby bouncy, and Lyude took one gigantic leap and flew through the air to the entrance.

"MOONWALKING!" Lyude exclaimed, but crashed into the wall of the castle. "Ouchies...!" He slid down slowly, and landed on a drawbridge. "Ooh...A REALLY BIG DOOR!"

On cue, the door swung open. A small sign crashed down with MONOTYPE CORSOVIA print (XD DId I spell that right?) that read:

YOU MAY ENTER! A GIANT THAT WANTS TO EAT YOUR FLESH DOES NOT EAGERLY AWAIT!

Lyude shrugged.

"Seems safe enough!" Lyude grinned widely and strolled delightfully in.

A loud booming noise was heard as the doors crashed shut behind him. "FEE FI FO FUM! THIS RETARDED RHYMING CRAP IS REALLY DUMB!"

"Is that...?" Lyude began.

'AYME!' The Authoress clapped her hands, entertained. 'Because I fele that if Giacomo made an appearence and Folon did, THAT AYME SHOULD TOO!'

Ayme stomped over to Lyude. "Yeah, yeah. Just let me eat you, and this will all be over with..."

Lyude raised an eyebrow. "you're...the giant...? But...you're only 8 feet tall even WITH the stilts you're wearing..."

"SHUT UP! I didn't audition for this stupid part! The damned Authoress made me do it..." Ayme complained and folded her arms angrily.

The Authoress protested, 'Hey! I didn't make you do anything!'

"Yeah? Well I auditioned for the part of the Wicked Witch of the West because she only makes a short 3 second appearence, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SAVYNA GETS THE PART! And what do I get? THE PART OF THE FREAKIN' GIANT! I didn't want this part! It's supposed to be played by a GUY! And Folon wanted this part! Why didn't you give it to him?"

'...Because I gave him the part of the freaky old guy that livs within 2.61 feet of Lyude...'

"Yeah, but GIBARI wanted that part!" Ayme rolled her eyes, annoyed.

'Well I gave him the part of Random Neighbor #2067 of Lyude!'

Lyude blinked. "I have 2067 neighbors?"

'NO! You have 2067 RANDOM Neighbors! IDIOT! GET IT RIGHT!'

"But I thought GIACOMO wanted that part!" Ayme commented out of turn.

'He got the part of the freakin' Random Neighbor #107, now get on with the story.'

"But KALAS auditioned for random neighbor #107..." Ayme folded her arms.

'I gave him the part of Jack.'

"But I'M Jack!" Lyude pointed at the green, pointy hat he was wearing atop his head. "See? I have the green, pointy hat sitting atop my head to PROVE MY POINT!"

'Well! It you'd READ the note at the beginning of the chappie, you'd see that you'er Jack because of unmentioned injures I'd inflicted upon poor, unsuspecting Kalas-chan.'

Lyude's eyes widened. "Why'd you call him Kalas-chan..."

'IT'S MY FREAKIN' NICKNAME FOR HIM!'

Ayme was befuzzled now. "What...What'd you do to Kalas anyways?"

'Oh...just random acts of violence...' The Authoress poked her two fingers together innocently.

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because he messed up my fic and sent it to too.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because I wasn't there.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because I was on a trip.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because I needed a break from you idiots.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because you guys give me headaches.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because you're stupid.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Because you keep asking me why.'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'...Why?'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Why?'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Why?'

>> 2 hours later

"Why?" Ayme asked.

'Why?'

"Why?" Ayme asked.

"SHUT UP YOU'RE HURTING MY POOR BRAIN!" Lyude screamed, and clutched his poor brain in pain. HAHAHA! I MADE A FUNNY-RHYME THING!

"And whose fault is that?" Ayme snapped.

"...Yours."

"Why?"

"STOP IT NOW!" Lyude yelled, grabbed Ayme, and threw her into random closet #2094.

'Ooh! Hurry Lyude! Lock it, lock it!' The Authoress urged him.

Click!

Ayme pounded on the door. "LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT! LEMME OUT!"

'Why?'

Lyude shot a glare at the Authoress, and shook his fist threateningly.

'Erm...never mind me!' The Authoress laughed nervously as Lyude mooved deeper into the castle. The random cries of "LEMME OUT!" got softer...and softer...and softer.

Because he dropped his script when he crashed into the castle, Lyude forgot what to do next. "Um...uh...Authoress?"

'That's Almighty Authoress to you, boy!'

"I forgot what I do next..." he said meekly.

The Authoress coughed, 'coughGOFINDTHEGOOSETHATLAYSGOLDENEGGScough.' She pounded on her chest and kept coughing. 'COUGH COUGH...COUGH!'

Lyude blinked. "Oh...yeah...right...and you might want a cough drop with that." He pulled out a cherry clavored cough drop from his (dusty) pocket.

'Aww...you're too kind!'

He chucked it up at the Authoress, therefore cracking her computer screen, and also setting off its self destruct sequence.

'Lyude, you idio-'

>> PLEASE STAND BY black and white thing appears on your computer screen

"I am sorry!" a computer generized voice said to the readers, "But due to the inconvienience of the Authoress' computer blowing up on her, we cannot continue the story as of now. Instead, we will show you an image of...uh...these words, and you will hear the sounds of...your computer whirring...and...you will smell...whatever it smells like at your house...and you will taste...whatever you just ate for food. Blarghness...But if you wish, we could make Xelha and Geldoblame fight each other in a death match while the Authoress's computer is being repaired! XD YEAH!"

>> Meanwhile, on the island of Ubowbowbownia...

Xelha clutched her rod nervously, "What am I doing here? Why is there oddly salty chocolate surrounding me? Where is my TEDDY BEAR? I WANT MY MOMMY! NOW!"

Geldoblame magically appeared from the coconut of a palm tree. "WAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I'M A RING TAILED LEMUR!"

"AUGH! AN UGLY RING TAILED LEMUR THAT MAGICALLY APPEARED OUT OF A COCONUT!" Xelha screamed and pointed up at him.

"RAWR!" Geldoblame shrieked and clawed at Xelha with a waffle iron.

Xelha dove under randomly generated monkey # .2497646120561. "MONKEY SAVIOR!"

Randomly generated monkey # .2497646120561ooh-ed and ahh-ed and ooh-ed some more, and threw a banana boomerang at evil Geldoblame. "OOH OOH OOH AHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Xelha burst out laughing and triped backwards on a tomato plant. "I HATE YOU!" She hollered at Geldoblame, "YOU'RE AN EVIL CLOWN!"

He did one of those 'Woody the Woodpecker' laughs. "I'M AN EVIL EGGROLL! WATCH ME, WATCH ME!" He somersaulted down a volcano, and the lava spewed him out.

"GELDOBLAME'S GONE NUTTERS!" Xelha panicked, and ran into randomly generated turtle # 063243413.

"NUTTER BUTTERS!" He squealed, and clapped his hands.

"o.o...0.0...O.O...().()...This is getting too creepy." Xelha sighed and began to leave. As she flew off, she accidentally pulled a trip wire (Muahaha XD) whichcaused randomly generated mini-golf club from the former chapter to randomly fly out and thwack Geldoblame in the nu-

>> COMPUTER FIXED! Loading...1...5...15...30...67...85...99...10942...

The Authoress smacked her computer. 'STUPID! The highest you can load is 100!'

>> ...8243...6120...4123...1513...753...723...284...169...100... DING!

'MICROWAVE!' The Authoress screamed, and tripped on her way to get her fried chicken.

>> Resuming story XD...finally...

'The Authoress would just like to say...' She carried a plate of chicken, 'That due to injuries untold of...' She shook her fist, dropping her chicken, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' She was seen running to a random hallway, 'NOW YOU OWN ME A PLATE OF CHICKEN, LYUDE!' She relized the camera was zooming in on her face, and wiped the chicken BBQ stuff off, 'Oh...Ahem...Jack will now be played by Pololo the Third. ACTION!'

"Awesome!" Pololo exclaimed, "Stealing stuff is my specialty!" He zooooooooomed off and ran through a few walls as he went.

>> Scene switch to Ayme in the evil closet

Ayme linked her two thumbs together, held them in front of a flashlight, and wiggled them. "LOOKEE! X3! A birdee shadow puppet! XD"

After shifting her fingers, she cried in excitement, "LOOKEE! X3! A puppy dog! Aww...It's so kawaii! I'll name you...LUCKY!"

She looked around nervously to make sure no one else was in there with her (XD She's in a closet XD) before quietly muttering, "...Woof...Woof!"

The Authoress shook her head. "What the hell are YOU doing...? Idiot..."

"Hmm...WAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! ." Ayme screamed, "Oh...It's just you..What? Haven't you ever played shadow puppets? It's dark in here ."

'...And WHY are you doing shadow puppets?'

"Because I hgot bored of Kite Making!" Ayme folded her arms contently after pointing at a brokendowel, hidden behind some coats. "And now I'm bored of this...I know! I'll sing a song! MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!"

'NO! Mission Impossible was already SUNG!'

"Bum! Bum! Bum bum bum! Bum! Bum bum! DA NA NAAAAAAAAAAA! DA NA NAAAAAAAAAAAAA! DA NA NAAAAAAA! DA NA! WA NA NAAAAAAAAAA! WA NA NAAAAAAA! WA NA NAAAAAAAA! WA NA!"

'-LEAVING! NOW!' The Authoress floated through a wall to the next room.

Pololo the Third was currently clutching the goose egg and headed toward the exit. While passing the closet, he heard Ayme singing:

"I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

He hurried out and down the vine. Due to a horrible turn of events, he lost grip and fell.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

There was now a Pololo sized crater in the ground, and the goose egg went SPLAT! XD He was then tortured by all the townspeople for killing their only chance of becoming rich. They lived unhappily ever after.

>> Meanwhile with Kalas and Lyude in a nearby hospital...

Kalas sighed while sitting in his squeaky wheelchair. "So the Authoress mauled you too?"

Lyude was in a full body cast, lying on a bed. "Mmmhmm..."

The blue haired antihero then found a new means of entertainment: SQUEAKY WHEELCHAIR! He rocked back and forth on the wheelchair, and screamed loudly and obnoxiously. Suddenly, it tipped over and landed on top of him. "OUCH! LYUDE! HELP! ME! NOW!"

Because of too much laughter, Lyude was unable to help. He instead decided to watch some TV. What was TV? He had no clue...

The reporter on the Nightly News flashed everyone a big grin. "Hello! I am Big Fat Bozo here, bringing you the news. Today, a resident of Azha was repeatedly smacked over the head by a pineapple. Why, you ask? He squished the Golden Goose egg that was to bring his village fame and fortune. If I lived there, I would've smacked him good! But I don't. I live in a big ol' fancy house in Mintaka made out of gold. I'M SUPERIOR TO YOU ALL! TO YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Well, this is Big Fat Bozo, signing out." He then proceeded to waddle like a penguin out the door, but he got stuck.

"CUT! STUPID! WE'RE LIVE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! YOU BIG FAT BOZO- " The screen went all fuzzy and black.

Lyude blinked. "That was interesting...Glad that wasn't me there!" He accidentally pushed that one button that smushed the hospital beds together. "OUCH!"

Kalas was being atatcked by a well known Squirrel that had made its was in. Squirrel started to throw pineapples at him. "OUCH! POINTY! STOP! YOU! NOW!"

* * *

BCM999: O.O Abrupt ending there... 

Kalas: You're an idiot...WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO? 'sob, sob'

BCM999: I don't hate you! I only hate Geldoblame and Melodia and Giacomo! But I love making fun of you XP

Kalas: -.-''

BCM999: XD R&R Peoples! XD


	6. Sleeping Beauty

BCM999: SORRY FOR THE EXTREMEMLY LATE UPDATE! T.T I saw this fic and WHOA! IT HASN'T BEEN UPDATED IN 3 MONTHS? OMGWTFBBQ! -.- But I'm here now! YAY! XD NEXT CHAPPIE...GO!I'm sorry it's soooo short! 'sobs' 

Gibari: First we must say the disclaimer! WEAREIDIOTS NINJA CLAN... DISCLAIMER TIME!

Savyna: 'poofs' WAHAA! LYUDE! GO!

Lyude: 'poofs' How did Gibari get here WITHOUT POOFING?

Gibari: I'm the leader. I'm special.

Savyna: Special Ed. -.-

Gibari: Who's Ed? I'm Gibari!

Lyude: First we must welcome some new members!

Savyna: That's right! NekoHaruna and MeowAngel are here too now, because they requested it! EVERYONE NINJA POOF!

'Everyone poofs'

BCM999: What about my disclaimer...

Great Mizuti : 'poofs' BlueCresentMoon999 does not own Baten Kaitos or related terms. 'poofs away'

BCM999: ...How'd she learn to poof? 'confused'

* * *

REVIEWS! 

Rebbe -You started a WeAreIdiots Ninja Clan? I FEEL SO SPECIAL! XD You want to be a member here? XD I'm glad you love the fic so much! Looking forward to your reviews!

Ebby - 'shoves it into a pipe and smokes it' -.-' XD Teh WAI Ninja Clan's doing the intro.

Kusabi Makabe - OH MY GODS I FORGOT ALL ABOUT GREA MIZUTI! AUUUUUUUGH! XD I'll put something in the end of the fic just for you then XD

Young Roy - XD Thanks!

animefreakgal456 - Of course I use you idea! XD I need ideas -.- XD Will do! I hate her too...

NekoHaruna XD - Lyude says thanks for the flowers! They made him feel warm and fuzzy inside XD Melodia freaks me out too...

MeowAngel - Sure you can be a WAI Ninja! XD And sure I'll use your char! Fadroh whupped my butt too... BUT I LIVED! XD Thanks to those many Sacred Wines I had. 'looks around nervously' ONE GELDOBLAME VS. FADROH, COMING UP!

* * *

" " talking 

' ' the almighty Authoress because she feels a need to be included...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 1/12/06

Chapter Six: Sleeping Beauty

* * *

And so, begins another exciting episode of... RANDOM FAIRY TALES: BATEN KAITOS STYLE! And now, to a commercial. 

'Savyna appears onscreen' "What? That wasn't supposed to happen! YOU IDIOT! I'm not ready! CUT! CUT! I SAID-" Savyna tackled the screen of your computer, ending in a cloud of dust.

The Authoress appeared out of nowhere. 'What the hell was that all about...'

...So then... Kalas and Lyude have recovered from the "incident" last chapter -.-' ... Once upon a time, Xelha, the newly born princess of Wazn, Kafaljhidmadohicky-place to be more exact -.-, was born unto the world, blessing all people with her existance! Psh...! Right... 6 magical fairies, all different personalities of Savyna, came to commererate this glorious occasion!

Happy Savyna jumped for joy! "I will grant you the ability to be two times more happier then people!" Xelha giggled at this fact (O.o) and stole the fairy's wand. "HEYGIVETHATBACK!"

Hyper Savyna squealed as she slammed into a brick wall. Yes, brick was invented back then -.-. After falling to the ground, paralized in pain, she managed tosay,"Iwillgrantyoutheabilitytobetwotimeshypererthennormal- GASP! -people!" And thus, she fainted.

Depressed Savyna sighed deeply. "Why doth the world hateth me? Please leteth me goth of to my therepy... Ignore me..." She floated off on her little fairy wings, and left the building and vicinity.

Sad Savyna burst out in tears. "WHY DO YOU ALL HATE ME? I DON'T HATE YOU GUYS! WAHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BIG MEANIES!" She flew out, bawling.

Evil Savyna though, on the other hand, she wasn't even invited. Why? Her freakin' name has 'evil' in it -.-'. XD But as all EVIL antagonists do, she convieniently broke a hole into the wall and floated in. "You dare not invite me: EVIL Savyna?"

Xelha's mother blinked twice. "Well... since your name has the word, 'evil' in it, I'd wonder why we WOULD invite you..."

"True... damn it, I hate it when people are smarter then me... BUT OH WELL! -.-'" Evil Savyna muttered to herself. "I CURSE YOU, THIS CHILD, TOI AN EARLY DEATH DUE TO FO-O-O-O-OD...POISONING!"

'Not food poisoning! Spindle poisoning!' the Authoress screamed, dropping something random on Evil Savyna's head XD. Again. Yes.

"...SPINDLE POISONING APPARENTLY! Not food poisoning... Crabby stupid authorESS! -.-" She cackled evily as she left, making a Savyna sized hole in the wall.

Naturally, everyone began to panic, run into invisible protruding things on the walls , and slam into sharp random objects. Meanwhile, Happy Savyna and Hyper Savyna linked arms to form... THE SUPERSAVYNADUO! Oh, they also began to sing the old Maxwell coffeehouse song!

" WE'RE LADDER 59! WE CHASE OUR FOOD DOWN WITH GOOD COFEE ALL THE TIME! Our house! Is not a fancy place at all! Our house! We have pin ups on the wall! WE'RE NOT A FRILLY COFEE CROWD! GIVE US RICH FRESH FLAVOR WE'LL PUT GALLONS OF IT DOWN! Our house! Is always good to the last drop! MAKE YOUR HOUSE A MAXWELL HOUSE!"

The two of them simultaneously gave the readers a BIIIIIIIG thumbs up! Which was kinda scary. Because of their overcaffinatedness.

Meek Savyna cleared her throat to get some attention. Which didn't work. What? She IS meek Savyna... "Ahem... I ... I can still... I ...l- ahem! ...Would you please listen to m- ...Ahem! I can- ... WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?"

Everyone turned to look at her on shock. "Gee, I thought she was MEEK Savyna..." Xelha's father commented.

"I can still grant the child something..." She said, completely ignoring Xelha's father's rude comment. "Instead of dieing from poisoning, she instead will fall into a deep slumber! Just like Auntie Beth at the local pub every Friday... Ugh. And the only thing that will awaken her is the kiss from a prince!" (LMAO like that'd happen in this fic -.-')

FAST...FORWARD to Xelha at age 17

Xelha was having an evhilarating time at the Kleenix making class she was attending. Oh, did I say 'fun'? I meant it was horrible, stupid, dreadful- ... OH NO! I'M ACTING LIKE GREAT MIZUTI! AUUUUUUUUUUGH! T-T But anyways, it was horrible... until a plan brewed in her head. I dont' get that saying... at all. "brewed in her head." That's like saying there's a freakin' THING in her head making a slimy concoction or something... But whatever. Xelha grabbed some Kleenix and beat on it with a flaming paddle, which fortunatly didn't make it catch on fire... Odd. Everyone started coughing , and a large white ball of PURE PUFF rose up from the underworld, to cause everyone to choke and die. Everyone except... Xelha. -.-' Lucky poo-poo head. She ran out sceraming like a ninny though:

"The British are coming!The British are coming! One if by land, two if by sea! Run, everyone, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

A random person walked over to her. "...Who are the 'British'?"

"...I... DON'T... KNOW." Xelha screamed, stupidly.

The Authoress dropped a random heavy book on her head. 'FOOL! Those aren't your lines! Oh... Don't tell me you lost the stupid script AGAIN..."

"...But I didn't! It's right in my pocke- ...Oh... no." Xelha fumbled through her pocket. "..."

'...You complete idiot.'

"HAHAHA! I was joking! I have it right here." She held up a piece of paper.

The Almighty Authoress looked at it carefully. "...This is not your script. This is a smelly piece of Kleenix that was probably used to hold moldy cheese ...I like cheese... You ate it without me? YOU SMELLY DIRTBAG!"

Xelha cowered under the might of the Authoress. "Dont' hurt me! I have the script! It's in my other pocket! See?" She showed the Almighty Authoress the script. "LEAVE ME BE! I only wanted a blue M&M..."

'...Okay, you're freaking me out now. Get on with the story.'

"JOYOUS! I HATH BEEN SPARED!" Xelha cheered, and got on with the story. She walked off to the Grand Hall to see her mother, just like the script prepared by the Authoress, said.

Her mother exclaimed firmly, "Xelha! We're banning all sharp objects from the castle!"

Xelha asked, just like the script prepared by the Authoress said, "Why?"

"That's a stupid question, Silly Banana! Any sharp object could poison you!"

Holding the pair of scizzors more carefully behind her back, Xelha cocked her head to the side. "That means no more mechanical pencils?"

Her mother furled her brow. "Of course not!"

"Yes!" Xelha whispered under her breath. "I hate mechanical pencils!"

But, alas, in this fic, Xelha is a bit ... 'dim-witted' ... So being a bit... 'dim-witted', she went in a shed, clearly titled, "SHARP OBJECTS! NOT FOE XELHA TO ENTER! (THIS MEANS YOU!)"

'...Go on, Xelha!' the authoress urged, 'Go in!'

"...But it says-"

'Who cares what is says! Go on in! OR YOU'LL RUIN THE PLOT!'

"But mother said-"

'Tho cares what your mother said? JUST GO IN-'

"But it's locked..."

'Oh, I can fix THAT up!' The Authoress snapped her fingers and POOF! The locks disappeared! 'Now go in!'

Xelha shrugged casually, and went in. On cue, many sharp objects swooped down toward her, convieniently not hurting her, all except for a random spinning wheel in the back corner. "Ooh... a completely RANDOM spinning wheel!" Xelha exclaimed. "It's soooooo shiney!"

The Authoress coughed... normaly. Not suspicisouly at all. Nope... Nothing suspicious here! 'Yeah... Don't you just wanna POKE it?" She hinted.

The dumb blonde shrugged. "Nah... I've got better things to do..." And with that, she walked off.

'Sigh... that complete... buttface.'

Suddenly, out of nowhere appeared Evil Savyna! She chucked the wheel at an unsuspecting, yet stupid, Xelha! "You're such a complete... BUTTFACE!"

'HEY! No stealing my words, fOoL!'

Whence the wheel poked her, Xelha blinked dumbly. "...Ou...ch?" She fell into a de-e-e-e-e-e-e-ep sleep.

'Yes! no more annoying, pink-wearing XELHA!' The Authoress cheered.

And who else to be blamed from the kingdom, but poor innocent Melodia? She was said to have poisoned Xelha, and was rewarded with an angry cat dropped on her head, courtesy of animefreakgal456. XD

"HEY!"

The Authoress looked down to see Geldoblame standing there. '...What do YOU want?'

"HOW COME I AIN'T IN THIS FIC? REVENGE!" He leapt toward the Authoress' compy, but COULDN'T! HA! He was too fat XD

'FOOL! DEATH MATCH TIME!'

On the island of UBOWBOWBOWNIA...

Geldoblame stood in a cage. "Haven't I been here already? LET ME OUT! T.T"

Fadroh appeared out of nowhere and stomped over. "ME EAT YOU!" He cried, swinging his weird spinny thing... O.o That sounded SO badly worded...

"...There is only one thing to do now..." Geldoblame said in a dramatic voice. "WE FIGHT TO THE DEATH! HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

But out of absolutaly NOWHERE appeared MeowAngel's OC Anzie! Who beat them both to a crusty pulp. BLAMO! Like that. XD More like BOOM, but who cares...

Off somewhere ELSE...

While Xelha was knocked out, and everyong else was busy panicking, Kalas was trying, I repeat, TRYING to get atop his trusty steed, whose hair was, oddly, blue... -.-' he put one foot on the saddle and was ready to leap on, when his horse trotted casually ahead, dragging Kalas' foot that was caught in it along also. "Hey, hey! Stop that, you stupid horse!" He snapped.

Luckily for him, the saddle broke, cleanly in two. How- we will never know. It's not like KALAS would tell us... He pulled it off his foot and cursed under his breath while the horse stopped to chew on grass below. Kalas growled as he rolled up his sleeves, ready to explode anytime soon. "ROOOOOOOOOOAR!" He roared, and charged toward the horse.

While eating the grass, the horse's tail swished in the wind, chasing flys away. Kalas' battle cry grew louder as he came nearer, though he posed no thread, obviously. A stupid-head like him couldn't possible even tie his own stupid shoes. -.-' Why else do you think he has no shoelaces? He couldn't tie them if he tried.

The following is all in slo-o-o-o-o-ow...mo-o-o-o-o-o-tion...

Kalas leapt toward the horse's tail, his mouth slightly awry, as he screamed in a deep voice. The horse kicked its hind legs out, which collided into Kalas' unfortunate jawbone, in slow motion, ofcourse! Meaning that there was a loud whooshing noise accompanying it. As his face flew to the side, Kalas fell backwards, spinning 90...180...360...540...720...900...1080...1260 degrees in the air!

The Authoress snickered, still in slow motion, as she snapped her fingers so a rick, no- a boulder-, appeared in back of Kalas, which he rammed into full force with a crash.

Resume normal speed

A few teeth lay scattered out on the ground in a completely random fashion around Kalas, who was knocked out cold. His horse slowly made its way over to him, picked him up with its teeth, and carried the knocked out protagonist with his to the next scene.

The horse dropped Kalas in front of Kafalijhidma... or whatever the hell it's called. I'll just call it 'thestupidcastleplacemadeoutoficeinWazn', because it's easier XD, okay?

Upon touching his butt to the ground, startled at the sudden coldness that struck his abdomen. "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOW!" Kalas got to his feet and saw his butt turned into two huge, frozen ice cubes. "Coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold...! ...Mybuttmybuttmybuttmybuttmybuttmybutt...!"

Now 'thestupidcastleplacemadeoutoficeinWazn' was cold. Duh! It was made out of freakin' ice. -.-' A Greythorne randomly fell from the sky and the moment it came onto the atmosphere, it froze into a small Greythorne-cicle

Lyude randomly ran into the scene and picjed the frozen Greythorne-cicle up. "WE'LL HAVE ROAST GREYTHORNE FOR DINNER! A FEAST IT SHALL BE! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He held it high up above his head, as he ran off.

At the sight of the poor Greythorne, a tear fell from Kalas' eye. it was...tragic. The poor thing! He sniffled. "Aww.. man. That sucks! Dammit, I wanted to eat it!" Kalas pouted and preceeded to enter a random door that appeared in front of him. Just his luck, it was the room with the freaky lady that you bring random animals to! Cluckers clucked, Fantail Ducks squacked, Cloudgullls chirped, FluffPups barked, and Pows did whatever it was Pows did... a cross between a moo and oink? Whatever.

The door slowly closed shut magically, and disappeared behind the dimwitted Kalas. "NOOOOOOO!" He cried and pounded on the wall. "They're iving me a frekin' HE-E-E-E-E-EADACHE! T.T" The door refused to reappear. Kalas held his hands over his ear. "LALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

On the other sdie of the room, the evil ladt that made you bring the animals to her was sitting in a chair slowly tilting her head from side to side, singing the Mario theme. "Do do do, do-do-do, do do-do do-do do-do do-do do do!"

Kalas tackled her and shoohk the hell out of her. "GET ME THE HELL OTU OF HERE OR I'LL MAUL YOU WITH INTERNET SPOONS!"

"Do-do-do, do do, do-do-do do! Do-do-do, do do do! Do do-"

"SHUT UP AND LET ME OUT OF THIS FREAKIN' PLACE!"

Suddenly, random plotholes surrounded Kalas. "EEP!" He shrieked, and leapt unto a chandelier. "They're gonna come GET ME! WAHHHHHHH!"

On cue, Great Mizuti chibis exploded out of everywhere, wearing little capes to go along! They chorused, "Gret Mizuti chibis to the rescue!" and flew in.

The Authoress played some dramatic drum solo while saying, 'Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! I'T'S GREAT MIZUTI!'

"We be here!" They swooped down through the air, dropping pixie dust on the headache giving animals, poofing them away to the tropics for a vacation. "Ha-chaaaaa!" They cheered as they flew away.

Kalas hastily climbed out of the hole made by the Great Mizuti chibis, which brought him to the next room. Xelha was laying in a bed, sprawled out, with a small puddle of drool beside her. "Ewwwww..." Kalas stepped carefully over the puddle. He remembered what the next scene was. "Ewwwwwww! Do I have to-"

'No. Here.' The Authoress handed him a pickle.

He blinked. "What do I do with this...?" After a few seconds, he poked Xelha with it.

She suddenly burst out into hives and sat up. "WHATDIDYOUDO?" Unbeknownst to everyone who plays the game, Xelha has a severe allergy to pickles -.-' Finding herself covered in saliva, she gasped. "Ewwwww! Who's spit is this!"

"IT WASN'T ME!" Kalas screamed.

The Authoress proceeded to drop some coton balls to soal up the drool. 'Please don't say the word 'drool' when I'm drinking my inaginary Cola...'

Xelha scratched her head. "Why?"

'...Don't start that again. I may puke on you, that's why.'

Kalas smirked. "PUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKEPUKE-"

Out of nowhere appeared Evil Savyna. "I shall kill you all with my flaming paddle of doom! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

According to the script, Kalas drew his duel blades for battle. screaming his battle cry, he ran forward. "FOR THE CHEESE SURDS! AIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIY-"

But to his suprise, Evil savyna was now covered in rancid Authoress puke! "Ewwwwwwww..." Kalas stuck his tongue out in disgust and pulled somethign out of his pocket. "Anyone wanna tic-tac?"

The Authoress animesweatdropped. '...You're stupid.'

"LET'S DO THE POLKA!" Cheered Kalas, as he yanked a boombox out of his hair. O.o.

'...Kalas will be Kalas, I guess. Oh well!' The Almighty Authoress then joined in with the polka.

* * *

BCM999: O.o That was odd! 

Lyude: T.T Where was I... When do I get a starring role again?

BCM999: ...Didn't you just have one?

Lyude: But XELHA got 3 in a row! WHAT ABOUT ME?

BCM999: ...But Folon stars in the next chappie... Then you star in the next one with everyone!

Lyude: YAY!

BCM999: R&R! If anyone else wants to be a WeAreIdiots Ninja Clan dude, message me or something XD

* * *

Teh Little Extra TidBit... 

GREAT MIZUTI'S GRAMMER SCHOOL ADVENTURE!

Great Mizuti sat tied to a chair. "...Great Mizuti wants to be LEAVING SOON! T.T"

Men in black coats sat in front of her, holding a child's picture book. "... Repeat after us... 'The duck plays in the pond. The duck was playing in the pond. The duck is done playing in the pond. The duck has been playing in the pond. The duck finished playing in the pon-'"

"ROARRRRRRRRR!" Mizuti brought the chair up off the ground and slammed into the men in the black coats with it. She saw an open door and ran towards it. "GREAT MIZUTI BE FREE!"

"NO NO NO! It's 'Great Mizuti IS free! IS FREE! IS...FREEEEEEEE!" The man screamed.

"YES I BE! THANK YOU!"

END!

-.- That was totally stupid and uncalled for. But I liked it XD

...Anyone think I should start a WeAreIdiots Ninja Clan forum here? Yes? No? Reply please!


	7. Pinnochio

BCM999: YAY! UPDATED! 'joyful' Review responses time! 

Xelha: That was an under-joy-ed A/N...

BCM999: I know... I used up all my randomness at school today... -.-' We were playing Whose Line is it Anyways, again XD

Disclaimer: BlueCrescentMoon999 does not own Baten Kaitos. Namco does, but Nintendo will own Baten Kaitos 2... T.T I'll have to change all my disclaimers...

* * *

Reader Reviews!

I just figured out that doesn't accept the squiggly line above the tab button XD 8P I've been using that all the time! XD

Rebbe- XD Your reviews always make me burst out laughing! XP 'watches Rebbe-Sama do the polka'

NekoHaruna- YAY! XD That song entertains me, so! XD I'll use it in the chappie! XD Lyude-Kun says hello back, and Gibari-Sensei says we have to wait for everyone, first. XD

Kusabi Makabe- XD Mizuti-ness always makes things better! XD

MeowAngel- FLAIL! THAT'S IT! I was braindead for a moment, there... :p I'm sorry! I totally forgot about the death match in this chapter... I'll put an eeeeextra long one in the next chappie, just for you, okay? T.T Sorries! But I'll be glad to use your uberly awesome idea!

Wings Of Heart- Thank you so much! .

Cotoprius- XD Cackling is always good. XP And so is hyperacvite craziness! XD

Ebby- HI! 'waves back' Don't worry, I'll make then a clan :p

Dream or Memory- Thanks! 'gives her a tissue to wipe the tears from laughter away' XD And sure you can be a ninja dude! 'high fives'

Coalar Lee Drake- XD LETTER! FROM WILL! XD 'revives her for the next chapter' Yay! You lives!

* * *

" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress because she feels a need to be included...

* * *

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 3/2/06

Chapter Seven: Pinnochio

* * *

Once upon a time, in a small hut in Azha, lived an old man named Georg. Man, I mean old. He had an old black and white tv! That, my friends, was old. People in Mintaka had HDVT already! The old man was extremely lonely, so he decided, why didn't he construct a boy to be his companion? "Why don't I construct a boy to be my companion?" Georg announced.

So, he did. He had short, blue hair and wooden limbs that creaked as he walked. His face looked twisted in a way, and everytime he would speak a lie, the boy's nose would grow larger in length. Georg decided to name the boy 'Folon'. "I decided to name the boy 'Folon'." Georg proudly exclaimed, but blinked blankly afterwards. "...But when I made a boy, I named him Kalas, not Folon..."

'Quiet, fool! That's a freakin' spoiler!' The Authoress dropped a... ... ...pencil on his head. A pointy one, so when it plopped down, the man said ouch. Not a loud OUCH, but a quiet ouch. An ouch that left a mark, though. Moohaha.

After hearing his name used, Kalas poked his head into the room. "One... two... THREE!" He leapt forward and thrust his hand into the air. "I AM SUPER-HOT-GUY!" His cape was painted red, but the paint wasn't quite dry yet, so he fell to the ground on his stomach with a thud. "Oh, crap. The magic paint must not be dry yet... Stupid 5 minutes to dry label... Now I have to WAIT until I can fly!" He folded his arms angrily and walked out of the room.

Georg stared at him with wide eyes. "So... I named him Folon. Now what?"

"DUN DUN DUN!" Kalas screamed and bounded into the room again, crashing into Georg. "HELP ME FLY, DADDY! DANCE HAPPY SPILLING MAGICAL BUBBLES OF JELLY BLOB HAPPY EVERYWHERE!"

'Oh my... Here, Kalas... If you want to fly, open it up!' The Authoress dropped a white box on the hyperactive Kalas' head.

"Ooh... what's this awkward object that hath just fallen into my reach?" Kalas asked in big words.

Georg looked at him with fright. "Kalas... you are being... uh... what's the word, again...?"

Folon sprung to life and replied, "Random, father. He's being random."

Kalas hopped around like a bunny on crack. "Random? As in pulling shells off of ladybugs random and painting purple dots on them random?"

"...Not quite..." The creator of Folon answered, uneasily. "Random as in random."

On cue, the Authoress dropped a dictionary on Kalas head. "OOH! Now I can look it up!" Kalas cheered, and sat on his buns to search for said word. But they weren't his buns; they were Folon's hot dog buns he was about to use to make brats with. Folon angrily kicked Kalas, who dropped the white box the Authoress gave him that was ballancing on his flat, hollow head.

And so, it fell, and out sprang an army of Mary Sues, who were all Kalas fangirls.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S KALAS!"

"I WANT TO SQUEEZE HIM!"

"HE'S SO ADORABLE!"

Kalas screamed girlishly and dropped his dictionary. Folon was glad to get his buns back. The army of Mary Sues chased after Kalas who was rushing away.

To get us all back on track, the Authoress took control of Folon's mind. Folon jerked to a standing position and hollered abnormally loud, "I WANT TO BE A REAL BOY!"

Folon cam back to reality and scratched the back of his head. "What the hell was that!"

'...Nothing. Your mind plays tricks on you.'

His feet suddenly dragged him to a wall, his jet pack making him accelerate right through it. "AUGH! WHAT'S HAPPENING?" Up the stairs he went, again, and flew out the 5th story window. Next came the 4th story after he ascended the staris to move onto the 3rd and 2nd stories. The 1st story? The window was busted by Kalas when he escaped the Mary Sues.

The Authoress let Folon go after he finished leaping out all the windows. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" He asked, enraged.

Xelha giggled, as she set the keyboard down. "That sure was fun!" She skipped off to go frolic in a meadow somewhere.

The REAL Authoress caught Xelha sneaking out of her house. 'Hey! You! Get out of here! What were you doing in my house, in my room?'

"Uh..." Xelha looked around nervously, "Eating cheesecake?"

'MY CHEESECAKE? I didn't know I had cheesecake...' The Authoress blinked, puzzled, and slinked over to her fridge. Xelha took the chance to dash off, cackling an odd cackle the whole way. '...There's... no cheesecake here... THAT BIG FAT LIAR! She'll pay in the next chapter...'

Back down in Azha, Folon was dancing happily to the polka. Why the polka? Kalas left his boombox there from the previous chapter. "Polka, I like to polka. I'm going to a polka dance tonight at nine o'clock. I'm gonna wear my purple shirt with yellow polka dots. Polka, I like to polka..."

The Authoress dropped a Christmas tree on his head. 'Nyaaaaah!' A star followed and sat atop his head.

Great Mizuti dashed onto the scene and snatched the tree up. "THIS BE BELONGING TO GREAT MIZUTI NOW! ALWAYS! FOREVER!" She left to go put the tree up onto her roof for next Christmas.

A small Ayme chibi sprinted ofer to Folon. "Hey! You have a story to continue, Fool! Craszy Rabbit!' She squeaked.

"OWOWOWOWOW!"

'I hate that move...' The Authoress cringed and pitied Folon. She gave the Ayme chibi the boot; the chibi screamed as she flew across the world to bonk Kalas on the head in Cebalrai. 'Now to get on with the story...'

Jiminy Cricket popped up, drifting down upon Folon with his miniature umbrella. "WHEN you... wish UPON... a STAR... Makes NO... difference WHO... YOU are!"

"He's talking like Captain Kirk... AUGH!" Folon cried out in fear and huddled underneath a small table that appeared.

Little Meemai hopped over to the scared Folon. "Squ-squeak?" Unbeknownst to Jimmy, Greythornes love to eat crickets. And so, the Cricket was no more. The tiny unbrella fwooshed out of Meemai's mouth.

"Meemai!" Folon cheered, "You ate Jiminy Cricket! Joyous day!" He picked the little Greythorne up and gave him a kiss on the nose. "YAY- HEY, OUCH!" It seems Meemai bit Folon's nose. "Get it off!"

Kalas suddenly poofed behind the Authoress, followed by the Ayme chibi, and lastly the army of Mary Sues. The Authoress screamed in fright at the dozens of dozens of dozens of Mary Sues. That makes 1728 of them. OH MY GOD WHAT DID I JUST DO? 'GO AWAY!' She screamed and chucked Xelha at them. What? I'm confused...

Xelha cursed to herself as she flew headfirst at the Mary Sues. "AUUUUUUUUUGH!" She crashed into them like a bowling ball into bowling pins.

"AHHH! THEY WON'T STOP STALKING ME!" Kalas yelled at someone. I don't know! I sure wasn't listening... He attempted to fly, again, but crashed into the Authoress' parent's room. "Make them go away..."

'GET OUT OF THERE!' The Authoress turned into Super-Authoress-Uberness and whacked all the Mary Sues with a frying pan.

Kalas had an idea for once, OMG HEART ATTACK, and bounded out the Authoress' parent's window, leaving her parents in shock. He ran around to house and reentered the room, saw the open keyboard, and seized it.

Freakin' crazy Mary Sues! Interrupting my precious time that I'm trying to fly... I could have the paint dry by now! But they're making me run around with the wind hitting the paint! It's not going to dry that way! The Authoress is busy beating them u- OOH! That must have hur- OH! That looked painfu- OUCH! ...Why am I typing what I'm screaming? BECAUSE I'M CRAZY KALAS! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAHA!

'Gimme back the freakin' keyboard!' The Authoress snatched the keyboard back and used it to whack Kalas head. It, amazingly, didn't break... 'I must go clean up the mess those Mary Sues made. Lucky I chased them all out. I... must entrust... Kalas with the keyboard then...'

"YES!"

'You screw u,p and I'll kill you like I'm going to kill Xelha in the next chapter.'

"...Ooh... Aye aye, capt'n!" Kalas sprung into a saluting position and watched as the Authoress left the room.

So... uh... I'M AUTHORESS NOW! YAY! I'M A GIRL! Oops... I should just change it to Author to make it easier... XD OOH! I LIKE SMILIES! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD OUCH!

'STOP IT, FOOL!'

XD XD XD- Okay... Party pooper. What happens in Pinnochio, anyways? Wooden boy... wants... to become real... That's it? Okay, then... LET'S GET TO THIS HERE CHAPTER!

Folon looked up from Meemai who now sat calmly in his palm. "About time, freak! I've been sitting here yanking Meemai off my nose forever! And I did about 10 minutes ago!" He tossed the Greythorne at the Author's computer screen. Kalas dove out of the way, to no avail. He cringed everytime Meemai bit his nose. An ambulance rushed to the scene and dragged him away in a pink stretcher, perfect for a man of his calibur.

Authoress swap!

Welcome to the game show, Author(ess) swap! Where we swap your current Author(ess) for a different one! Here's your host, SAVYNA!

Savyna blinked, uninterested. "Since when was I a host? I am no host. I am a FIGHTER! FIGHTER I SAY!" She punched the camera that was taping her show.

The maintenence crew grumbled as they cleaned the set up. "Second time this week, eh, Bob?"

"Times are rough, Bobette."

"How's about we just get a new host?"

"Times are rough, Bobette."

"You go start a talent show to find one!"

"Times are rough, Bobette."

Great Mizuti chibis flew onto the scene! "Ha-chaaaaa" They took over the place and started the all new, ultra cool, famed show: "THE WE ARE MIZUTI NINJA CLAN!", to air next chapter.

Your new Author(ess) has been chosen! Welcome you new Authoress, XELHA!

So... uh... hi. Kalas is in the hospital for... What? Seriously? MEEMAI WOULD DO NO SUCH THING! He's a sweet little Greythorne that wouldn't hurt a cricket! Just eat them... T.T STOP BLAMING HIM FOR EVERYTHING! Anyways... I'm substituting for Kalas, who was substituting for the Authoress. Gee... they're both gone... That... ... I hope nothing happens to me... Oh... This is just like Final Destination... T.T I'm going to go remove all the knives from the house... Ehehe... I'll be right back.

Folon rolled his eyes. "Slowpokes. I'll continue without them. After all, I always was the responsible one!" His nose grew a tad bit longer all of a sudden. "...Shut up." He pushed on it firmly to try to make it go back in. "Augh! And I'm confused. If there's no Authoress, who's recording all my actions?"

Out of the blue, a small Gibari chibi popped up, beginning to sing the Capital One, no hassle song! Doing the electric slide along with it, of course. "Capital One, no hassle card! No no, no! No, no, no no no no! No no, no, no, no no! No no, no no! No no-"

Folon chucked a nectarine at the chibi and it poofed away to Jamaica.

With Kalas...

Someone had stuffed Kalas full of feathers, turning him into RACCOON KALAS! He floated out of the stretcher with his flying powers and red cape. "OMG! I CAN FLY NOW! OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG! AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"

The Mary Sues pursued him, carrying bats. "Like, I want to hit the Kalas pinata!"

"No, I, like, do way more then you, girfriend!"

Kalas screamed bloody murder and floated higher and higher. He suddenly imploded, causing him to fall through the atmosphere and burn up, resulting in an extra mass of carbon dioxide. I do not know what the hell I just said. Do not ask. I was just being sporadicaly random, which means the same thing... Quiet, Fool! He fell to the ground in a slunk of imploded gas. The Authoress wasn't there at the moment, so Kalas was left there alone. MOOHAHA!

With Xelha...

Currently in the Authoress' kitchen, Xelha was tossing all sharp objects kaput out the window. THAT WAS VALUABLE GLASS SHE WAS DESTROYING. Oh well. Not my problem. Suddenly, she stopped and put her hand to her ear.

"Is that...? My 'Kalas-is-in-trouble-on-noes!' alert is going off!" She hissed angrily and turned into a turtle, proceeding to chase Kalas. "REVENGE!" I watch too many cartoons.

Back to the story...

Folon put a finger to his chin, thoughtfully. "I wonder if I should hold an audition for a new Author(ess)... That game show thing I set up didn't seem to work well at all... I should hold auditions!"

The Ayme chibi begged to differ, and smacked him over the head. They just decided to wait for the Authoress. XD Meemai hopped over the Folon, getting this sporadic story back on track. He grew abnormally larger and his mouth opened wide, nearing Folon. "Hey! H-Hey stop that! You're going to eat me!"

The next moment, Folon was sitting in Meemai's stomach, covered in Meemai-stomach-juices! " I am covered in Meemai-stomach-juices!"

He had no means of escape! "I have no means of escape!"

But luckily, he had a Large Fire Magnus! "But luckily, I have a Large Fire Magnus!"

Though he could have just used Chaotic Flames... "Though I could have just used Chaotic Flames..."

And... he's copying me... "And... I am copying the ghost Authore(ess)..."

I... stop it. "S/he... stop it."

Chaotic Flames? "Chaotic Flames- HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

The whale, erm, I mean... Meemai... sneezed, (XD Imagine THAT one...) and Folon popped out of Meemai's booty. He screamed girlishly and grabbed some toilet paper to wipe himself off. XP! "...Why aren't I a real boy?"

The Ayme chibi popped back up. "How the hell should I know? I've never watched Pinnochio!" With that, Folon turned into a real boy.

Will Kalas live to see the light of day? Will Xelha save his ass from getting killed by Mary Sues? Will the Authoress come back? Will the ghost Author(ess) stop asking all these dumb questions? Found out on the next chapter of... RANDOM FAIRY TALES: BATEN KAITOS STYLE!

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Special little extra: Part of the BK Valentine's Day fic I never finished... XD Happy Belated Vanentine's Day!

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Lyude sighed happily as he walked through Mintaka. It was none other then Valentine's Day! This was Lyude's favorite day of the year. Why? He got chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate from all those fangirls he had from places like England, or Canada, of even the United States! Who ever heard of a place called the "United States"? That was preposterous! With states like 'Texas', or 'Washington', or even 'Wisconsin'! What kind of place was 'Wisconsin'! That always gave the redhead a chuckle. "Haha… Hahaha… Hahahahahaha…!"

"Shut up, Lyude!" Kalas exclaimed and folded his arms. "What the hell are you laughing so stupidly about, anyways?"

The musician sighed as he popped a chocolate heart into his mouth. "You wouldn't understand, you silly bassoon."

The 'bluehead' scoffed angrily. "Yeah, right! Where are we going again?"

"You're such a simpleton, Kalas. We are headed for Wazn, because Xelha's hosting a huge Valentine's Day party."

Kalas blinked, confused. "Oh yeah… Gimme some chocolate, Lyude."

"What? No! That's preposterous that you would think I would give you this chocolate that I got from…" Lyude squinted his eyes, as he looked at the tag hanging loosely off the side of the heart-shaped box. "…'All your fangirls from Wisconsin'. …Hahahahaha! Wisconsin… Haha!"

"I said gimme some chocolate! Hey! Don't you run away from me! You won't escape!"

He began chasing after Lyude who was sprinting away at top speed, 1,000 MILES PER HOUR! Not really. Not every Lyude can run that fast. Lyude stuffed as much chocolate in his mouth as he could, swallowing it quickly. The musically inclined teen turned, almost causing Kalas to have a seizure and bump into him. "You want this chocolate? Huh, Kalas?"

"Well, duh! Why else would I have asked you for it?"

Lyude took the whole box of uncovered chocolates and ran his tongue over the whole surface. The saliva dripped down onto every piece of chocolate. "Well then, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, STINKEY MAN?"

Kalas quietly began to sob.

With the Super Gibari-Man!

The brown-haired fisherman slowly used his oars to row his boat across the sky, singing a song the Authoress randomly came up with, assisted by her friend Kayla.

"BATHMAN! He's the one who's always clean!  
BATHMAN! He has an awesome dream!  
That everyone in the world,  
Will have hair like his that's always cu-u-u-u-u-u-urled!  
BATHMAN! OH…BATH…MAN!  
With his trusty steed, ManFred!"

He ended his song, set his boat on autopilot, and passed out.

With the Uber-Mizuti

"Okay, Kee… You… now be pink-ifying me…" The Great Mizuti stood inside her house, Kee next to her holding a bucket of pink paint. She braced her self and gritted her teeth. "HIT GREAT MIZUTI!"

Kee splashed the paint all over Mizuti. She cringed as she opened her eyes. Trying to get to a mirror to see what she looked like, she noticed she couldn't move her feet. The paint was stiffer when it dried then she thought… "KEE! YOU BE HELPING GREAT MIZUTI, PLEASE!"

But her voice was muffled. She watched sadly as Kee left.

With the Xelha-IPWNALL-Zors

"Eek, eek, eek!" Xelha eeked as she held a stamp in the shape of a heart. She frantically made her wa through the complicated castle of the Kafalljidduhlimabeanwhateveritis place, stamping everything in sight with the blinding-OHGAWDMYEYES- bright pink. "Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!"

The whole, formerly blue, castle was now covered n pink. A pretty sight to anyone who likes pink, especially pink loving Xelha. She spent the whole last week sending little Meemai out with invitations!

* * *

Dear Friends…

You are all invited to my Valentine's day Party! YAY! There will be tea and tiny little cookies in the shape of Kalas' SUPER KAWAII head. Please, please, PLEASE come! It's at the Kafalljidduhlimabeanwhateveritis place on Tuesday! I'M HIGH ON LIFE!

Your pink crazed friend,  
Xelha, she who lives to eat pecans

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Ding!

"AUGH!" Xelha dashed across the hallway to the oven. I always did wonder why they would have an over in the Kafalljidduhlimabeanwhateveritis place. I mean, they have to cook stuff, but wouldn't the oven burn a hole in the ground? Anyways…

The blonde opened her easy-bake oven's door, causing black smoke to pour out of it. She began to cough as she pulled out the cookie tray. "OUCHIES!" Xelha screamed as she dropped the tray onto a table. Her mittens she wore were destroyed, large holes burnt onto the surface.

Small cookies dotted the tray, all tiny replicas of Kalas' head, expressions similar to ().o. Xelha clapped her hands with glee at the marvelous success. Hahaha… Marvelous success…

The magic user looked around nervously before stuffing her face with the cookies, which could mean two different things… I realize that -.-' QUIET, FOOL!

Ding!

"AUGH!" Xelha frantically pulled on her destroyed oven mitts again, to find nothing in the oven -.-'

Ding!

"AUGH! It's the doorbell!" Xelha freaked out as she made a mad sprint for the door. On her way, she slipped and slided on the slippery floor of the Kafalljidduhlimabeanwhateveritis place. She finally reached the door, covered in bruises and band-aids. Yes, there was conveniently a band-aid-market-person that followed her wherever she went. "Thank you mister band-aid person!" Xelha chirped as she waved at a small chibi at her side. She opened the door. "HELLO, PERSON THAT'S ATTENDING MY PARTY!"

Savyna stood there, blown away by Xelha's incessant shrieking. "…Oh. That's what I'm here for? …Ayme and Folon said there was a parade…"

On cue, the two former imperial officers popped out from behind Savyna. They waved while heading inside. Savyna began to stare Xelha down, who cowered behind the band-aid chibi. "...Where's my parade?"

"Ehehe… There is no parade… but I have Super Smash Bros. Melee!"

"MOVE ASIDE, GIRL!"

Xelha watched Savyna storm in and head for the game room in the Kafalljidduhlimabeanwhateveritis place. She smiled and sat down on the cold, hard ice to wait for the others. Wait… Cold? Hard? Ice? Xelha screamed as her tushie turned into an icicle. XD" AYMEEEEE! FOLOOOOOON!"

The two of them turned around. "You two… answer the door for me while I go… thaw… my poor tushie…"

"You got it, pink-freak!" Folon gave her a thumbs up. Ayme yawned and slowly began to sit down.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" Xelha commented before dashing off.

Ayme shrugged, confused, and stood back up. "So what do we do now?"

"We wait. Patiently." Folon manages to twist his legs into a 'pretzel' formation and held his fingers up into a letter O. "…Ohm… …Ohm…"

Ayme slapped Folon silly. "Stop that."

"Then what do we do to pass the time?" Folon asked, un-pretzeling his legs.

"…We play go fish."

10 minutes later…

Ayme stared into Folon's eyes strategically. "Do you have… any… … … FOURS?" She braced herself for the reply.

"… … …"

"…Well? Do you?"

"… … …"

"…ANSWER ME!"

"… … …Yes. I do." Folon angrily tossed his four of clubs at Ayme. "You're a poopy head, Ayme."

Ayme was about to counter with a smart remark of her own, when the door slammed open, whacking Ayme's back. …Nice time for that, too. I couldn't think of a smart remark for her :p "HELLO-O-O PEOPLES! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?"

"…Shut up, Kalas."

"Aww, you shut up, Lyude. I'm sick of you."

Folon poked his head around Ayme's unconscious body. "…Heyo Kalas, Lyude. We're playing go fish. Actually… we were until Ayme got knocked out."

Kalas eagerly jumped up and down. "OOH! I want to play!" He snatched up Ayme's cards and glanced at Folon's.

"Hey! No peeking, cheater!"

Lyude looked a bit uneasy. "Kalas… That's rude to join in the middle of a game…" He flinched as a hand of cards was flung at him by Kalas.

"Shut up. You come join, too." Kalas looked at his cards. "Folon… do you have any… TWOS?"

"...NOPE! Go fish, sucka!"

Again, the door slammed open, knocking Kalas out this time. Gibari's gargantuan boat flew in, dropping the fisherman into the room. He landed on his feet, just like a cat. "MEOW!" He exclaimed. Not really. I just wanted to get your attention -.-' And mine. I'm boring myself with all this non action… Which is why I need something unexpected to happen. Like Gibari saying meow XD "MEOW!"

Kalas woke up, a little band-aid fairy to blame. "Shut up, Gibari. Quit your stupid meowing."

Guess what? Yup. The door slammed open. XD Last time though! Wait… never mind. Second to last time! XD I could make it the last time, but what fun would that be? Mizuti hobbled in, stiff as a statue. Lyude gasped and smacked his forehead. "Oh no! It's a costume party, isn't it? POO! I forgot to dress up-"

"YOU BE HELPING GREAT MIZUTI NOW!" Mizuti hollered.

* * *

BCM999: And that's all I got to. T.T

Kalas: You're alive! Crap...

BCM999: THEY DON'T KNOW THAT, FOOL! 'hides behind a rock'

New Flash!

1) I got off my lazy bum!  
2) The WAI Ninja Clan forum is up!  
3) I made a BK C2 for humor fics!

Lyude: We have a forum now!

Gibari: YAY!

Mizuti Chibis: WE PWN YOU! 'Ninja Poof'

Lyude: What was that?

Gibari: We have competition now! WAI NINJA CLAN! READY YOURSELVES!

Savyna: R&R Please...


	8. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

BCM999: X.X I hate school. It interferes with my ability to update stuff because of HOMEWORK. But summer's here. YAY!

Lyude: What's school? ..

BCM999: You don't go to school. X.X

Lyude: Oh… That didn't clear anything up. Is it a fast food chain? I like sandwiches.

BCM999: How easily we get off topic. --'

Disclaimer: Me no own Baten Kaitos or anything I did that isn't mine in this story. XD

I like these little dividing lines XD

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Review Responses…

Rebbe- XD I'll finish the Valentine's Day one. Sometime soon if I get time. XD And you're still polkaing? XD watches the polkaing Rebbe O.o My compy says polkaing is actually a word. O.o XD

NekoHaruna- XD I love your Mary Sue quote. XD Steve getting anthrax? O.o XD I must hear! DX

Ebby- XD Salt gets rid of Greythornes? O.o XD I didn't know that either. XD and I make up words all the time. 'They should be in the dictionary but aren't' type of words. :p

The Shadowfox Mistress- Aww! Thank you!

freakyanimegal456- XD Kratos is hot, isn't he?XD And I updated! YARR!

* * *

" " - talking

' ' - the almighty Authoress because she feels a need to be included...

* * *

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 6/14/06

Chapter Seven: Goldilocks and the Three Bears

* * *

So, ahem, once upon a time, there were three bears (giggle) that lived deep inside the Holoholo Jungle in a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny cabin, concealed with numerous vines and a moat of DOOM full of water and spell shellfish, or whatever those dumb clams are called, that would bite your head off if you got too close. Nice place, really. Every now and often, the Authoress here loves to go there to have a jolly spot of tea. Unless if the sugar for the tea is accidentally replaced with salt, of course. Then… ugh. Salty tea. Whoever likes that? Oh… anyways. The three bear's (giggle) names were Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas.

The Authoress' entertaining narration was paused momentarily to show Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas in silly bear (giggle) suits of a chocolate color. HA. Imagine Savyna in a bear (giggle) suit. Kalas had to be in a wheelchair because of untold injuries. I don't want to get sued.

"My maft meef maf ming," Kalas complained.

"Excuse me?" Gibari inquired, confused. "I'm sorry, but I have no clue what a maft is. Or a meef. Or… a… maf… Or… … … 'ming'…"

"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING."

Savyna's eyes narrow at Kalas as she tried to decipher him mumbled speech. "Gibari, I think it's trying to communicate with us."

The Skyfarer scratched the top of his head in thought… And because his head was itchy. Well, what do you expect, fool? He was stuck in a bear (giggle) suit all day for this. "I know that much… But…" There was deadly silence. "…Yes. I know. Surprising. -.-" Gibari dully added. "But I can't make out what a meef is."

"Perhaps it's a riddle," Savyna suggested, "and we have to solve it."

"IF WE DO, DO WE GET A TRIP TO CANCUN?" Gibari excitedly exclaimed in question.

"Shut up. We're not on a game show."

"Well, we SHOULD be. But nooooooo."

"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING," Kalas screamed from under his bear (giggle) mask.

Gibari gasped in realization. "We have to rhyme with his words to get the phrase! 'I… draft… beef… calf… ding.' Whatever that means."

Savyna smacked the back of his head, causing him to gawk. Teehee. Gawk is a funny word. "You nitwit. That makes less sense."

"Well YOU try rhyming!"

She took to his challenge and pulled out her thinking cap. No, not literally. That would be stupid. :p " 'Fly… raft… reef… Uh… … …"

"HA!" Gibari pointed a finger accusingly at her, "YOU CAN'T DO IT!"

"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING," Kalas hollered one last time before pulling his bear (giggle) mask off. "I can't see a thing."

Savyna and Gibari stared at him, dumbfounded. The woman's eyes began to glow red. "That's what the Authoress has been rambling on about for a page?"

Kalas nodded eagerly. "I sure am stupid, aren't I?"

Gibari shook his head in dismay. "Oh well. Kalas had quite a mishap yesterday. We should go easy on the boy."

…Flashback…

Kalas knocked on a random, yet tall, building's door. The rest of it had hard brick walls with a large window up front to let light in, on which hung a sign.

"JOBS AVAILABLE."

He had to get money. After all, how else would he get those pink hair clips he always wanted? They matched his gloves so well, he HAD to have them.

Kalas then had one of those moments, like on cartoons, where you continue knocking on the door after it opens and the owner gets all mad and chases you away with a butcher knife. That happened to my aunt once. XD It was funny. Like now with Kalas. HA. HA. HA. XX Listening to the Dr. Mario song from SSBM does things to you.

"RAWR WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The blue-nette looked up at the man towering over him with the widest eyes he could manage to make. "Can I have a job?"

"Sure. You'll need to count this $1,000,000 worth of pennies."

Kalas' face turned colors. Why? The wonders of television. But the fuchsia color was odd… "YEAH! Though I have no clue what the hell a penny is." A grin spread on his face, like the Cheshire cat.

…End Flashback…

The boy matched the grin with another. "Yesh! That was so fun! I especially loved the part where I counted wrong and the guy made me eat the pennies. They tasted coppery."

Gibari's eyes widened in wonder. "You have $1,000,000 worth of pennies in your fat stomach? GIMME GIMME GIMME!" He glomptackled Kalas in his wheelchair and pegan violently beating him up. O.o Pegan? XD That typo's too weird to change.

"OOOOH OUCH GIBARI! THAT'S MY FREAKIN' FIBULA!"

'No, stupid, that's your uvula.' The Authoress corrected him.

"Really? Oh. Well, GAWD, how was I supposed to know? They both rhyme with 'a'!"

'Really? And so does ahh, ah, baa, bah, blah, dah, droit, fa, ha, kwa, la, ma, na, pah, pas, qua, rah, schwa, shah, spa, à bas, aba, aha, Allah, blah-blah,-'

"SHUT UP!" Kalas screamed and covered his ears.

'Dummy. Well, I have a narration to finish.'

Just outside of the Jungle, skipped along little Great Mizuti. She was singing that-one-song-that-she-sang-outside-in-the-outer-dimension-that-I-don't-know-the-words-to-and-frankly-don't-care.

She looked up at the Authoress in complete and utter confusion. AHA! CONFUSION! MOOHAHA! "But if the Authoress not be knowing the words, how does the Great Mizuti?"

'The wonders of television, silly.'

"Ahh… That be making most sense."

Out of nowhere, she decided to wander through the jungle, WITH a landmark stone thinger, of course, and enter the EMPTY house that belonged to the three 'bears' (giggle) house.

Savyna blinked in mass confuzzlation. "Wait… How is it empty if we're in it?"

'Oh… Ah… What are the words again… Uh… … …GET OUT!'

Kalas pokes his head from under Gibari's VERY SWEATY armpits. "MMPAH! MMOOMPAH!"

Gibari gasped and got off the boy. "Oompa loompa? OHMIGAWD WHERE?"

The blue-nette exclaimed in victory, "I EXCLAIM IN VICTORY!" He giggled before leaving.

'Y'all should follow his example about now.'

Savyna's eyes widened. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm finally away from that four eyed freak!"

'…He doesn't wear glasses… REGARDLESS! FEEL MAH POWUH!' The Authoress snapped her fingers and the duo appeared in the labyrinth of Durh, with Kalas. How he got there so fast? The wonders of television.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Gibari cried out in agony. "Why didn't I just become a sheep herder like mamma said? NOOOOO! I had to be a true Skyfarer… AND NOW I'M STUCK WITH THAT KREAF!" Kreaf? XD That's a funny typo, too. (points at Geldoblame YOU KREAF!)

Kalas laid on the ground in pain. "Retarded Authoress. Forgot to poof along me wheelchair… How am I supposed to be a pirate without it? WAHHH! I THINK I'M GOING TO CRY NOW!" He began holding his breath, and passed out.

…With Mizuti…

Mizuti randomly went in to the three bears (giggle) house, wearing a 'I went all the way under the taintclouds and all I got was this stupid t-shirt' t-shirt. "Great Mizuti be loving this shirt, though! It be sexy!"

OO

Randomly generated WeAreMizuti Chibi #210987135 popped up and began waging war on Mizuti's chicken, which makes no sense. "YOU BE GIVING GREAT MIZUTI'S CHICKEN BACK NOW, PLEASE."

The chibi cackled and hugged Mizuti's leg. (First they're sour, then they're sweet.) It then cackled again, and pushed Mizuti towards the dinner table of the bear's (giggle) house. (Then they're sour again. XP)

"NUUU! YOU BE GOT HOT PORRIDGE ALL OVER GREAT MIZUTI!"

And out of nowhere, our story gets back on track.

"Great Mizuti be thinking this porridge be being too hot!" Mizuti cast the bowl aside and moved on the taste the next bowl. "This one be being ju-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ust right."

The Authoress blinked. 'Hey… That ain't right! You missed the one that's too cold!'

Mizuti put her hands on her hips and pouted behind the mask. "No! Mizuti be getting allergies to food being cold."

'Go back and eat it.'

"No."

'Yes.'

"NO."

'Yes.'

"NO!"

'…I have a resolution. OH STUNT DOUBLE?' The Authoress called out.

Kee walked on inside, wearing a Great Mizuti mask. "Aww… But I don't wanna… I'LL CRY!"

'Stop being such a Kalas. Do you want to me to take your free copy of BK II away?'

"Hey!" Great Mizuti complained with a scowl, "How come Great Mizuti not be getting free copy of BK II?" The Authoress had no witty retort. "GREAT MIZUTI BE WANTING HER COPY NOW!"

'Sorry, but I don't have the $70 to import it for you. I'm busy saving up for the REVOLUTION, NOT THE WII. I'm not going to go and start a Revolution/Wii dispute now. . '

Kee poked the Authoress. "Hey, did you know there's BK on the DS?"

'DON'T YOU POKE ME, FOOL! And yes, I knew that. I want a DS, but I can't get one. My mom says 'Nyeh! The screen's too small and your eyes will need eyeglasses if you play on a screen that small! SCREEN! SMALL! NO!'

He cowered under the dinner table like a frightened Nintendog. "Y-y'know what else? KEE rhymes with FEE!"

The Authoress thwacked him with a Kalas chibi and dropped a cheese curd on his head. The cheese curd began to float. "I-I-I! AM-M-M! THE-E-E! ALMIGHTY-Y-Y! CHEESECURDCOMETOSUCKOUTYOURPITIFULSOUL!" IT exploded in amass of cheesy curds and Kee screamed in fright.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH ME SOUL!" He picked up the cold bowl of porridge near him and chucked it mercilessly at the cheese curd, but missed MISERABLY and hit an unsuspecting Xelha, of whom just appeared.

"OUCH!" Xelha screamed and held her rod high up in the air. "I'll get you for that, you little whippersnapper!"

The Authoress snickered. "Xelha's an old lady. Teehee!"

Lyude popped up out of nowhere and began to act really scary… "We're brother ladies! I like cereal! I like… chocolate milk! BUNNIES! Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again-"

"SHUT UP!" Xelha screamed and held her rod threateningly, accidentally dropping it from all its HEAVINESS.

The Authoress snapped her fingers and scary Lyude disappeared. But now Xelha no longer had Lyude to take her RAGE out on… But there was Kee. He hid under the table like a scared… Kee. The Authoress took the liberty of sending her to the Labyrinth of Duhr. HA. HA. HA. XD

'So, where were we…-'

"BOOGA-BOOGA!" Kee screamed and waved his arms around menacingly.

'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!' The Authoress screamed and fell backwards off her comfy compy chair. 'You idiot! Death match time!'

Kee was confuzzled. "Say wha-?"

In a Super Mario Sunshine-esque world not too far away…

The red hated plumber, whose name is being kept secret for… reasons, raced after the enemy that looked just like him, but wielded and unconventional paintbrush. Heehee. But how does Kee fit into this scene? As that one toad with the green head, of course . ' He was considerably shorter, and his head was bigger then it used to be. The boy's head proved to be too heavy, and he fell down backwards in slow-mo. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaa-WTF? Why am I here? Why is my head so big! And why am I wearing a diaper?"

'Bwahaha, FOOL!'

"Hey! You did this on purpose!"

'…Wow. Isn't that one obvious? 'Oh oops! I accidentally changed Kee into a green toad and accidentally sent him to Ricco Harbor! OOPS!' Right.'

"Turn me back!"

The Authoress got a hold of her camera just as the evil plumber d00d painted a smiley face on Kee's upside down diaper. 'Vwahahhaaaahaaa! Death match- on!'

Dun dun duuuuun! Today's match – Kee Vs. … … …Peach? Yes.

Princess Peach wielded her deadly parasol. Yes; the annoying one in SSBM that she uses to float in the air with. (stabbity) Kee used his thick skull to shield himself from it, and you know he has a thick skull. . '

"Nosferatu!" Kee screamed, and the level A magic shot out of a green spot on his head. Now it was HP DRAINING TIME!

'Kee! No Fire Emblem magic can be used here! BAD KEE. HP PENALTY FOR YOU.'

"Say wha-?" Kee asked, bewildered, when a wyvern lord suddenly fell from the blue sky and crush-i-fied him. Moohaha. Like a pancake. Moohaha.

Peach pulled an EBIL radish out of the ground. It had one of those faces that looks like this  O She screamed one of her odd battle cries and flung the EBIL radish at Kee. It did one point damage and knocked him out. Ha. Ha. Ha.

With Mizuti

'What the… What's going on here!' The Authoress gaped at the bear's (giggle) house. Streamers were all over the place, the furniture was all covered in cake, windows were shattered, pencils dotted the ceiling, and there were punch stains all over. At least, the Authoress hopes they were punch stains. Yellow punch stains… Yes.

Mizuti grinned widely up at the Authoress, resembling an eager Kalas that had to go to the bathroom. "We be playing party games. Because this be a party. You be throwing the pencil and be trying to be getting it into the ceiling."

'That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard… Let me try.' The Authoress stole a number two pencil and whipped it at the ceiling.

"…AND IT BE GOOOOOOOD!" Mizuti announced, sounding oddly like a Brazilian soccer announcer. The WeAreMizuti chibis did the wave. When did they get here anyways? O.o

'It's good? That's nice. NOW GET BACK TO THE STORY.'

The child of the earth was startled by the Authoress' shrieks, falling off her chair, rolling out the window, and landing in a patch of poison ivy. Poison ivy? In the BK world? Yes.

The Authoress then proceeded to laugh her stupid ass off and point fingers. Not accusingly, of course, but out of… something else. I'm brain dead today. 'FOOL! I PITY DA FOOL WHO ROLLS OUT THE WINDOW INTO POISON IVY!'

"It be itchy… Wahhhhhhhh… TT"

Remember during my introduction that you all loved, I spoke of those shellfish thingys? Yeah. No comment. Yes.

A blood curdling scream was heard.

…In the Labyrinth of Duhr…

"BAUGANUM!" Gibari exclaimed and ran into a wall in sheer fright from it all.

"What' a Bauganum?" Kalas stupidly asked. Ha. Kalas. Stupid. Ha.

Savyna folded her arms and replied, "It's a giant two headed dog that enjoys eating blue haired, cape wearing, sword wielding coughANNOYINGcough antiheroes."

Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas all stared at Kalas. Ha. Kalas had a mirror. . ' Xelha was too usy eating her shoe to notice anything.

Kalas put his hands on his hips. "Well. I'll have to warn Marth and Ike the next time I see them. Well… they're not really annoying. Lucky for Roy, his hair is red, or he'd be in trouble, too."

"How stupid can you get…?" Gibari and Savyna muttered to themselves.

The teen's eyes began to widen in realization. "What? You mean me? NUUU! I'M TOO HOT TO BE ANNOYING! TT"

…5 minutes later…

Kalas was tied to a stake like BBQZOMGFTW while Savyna and Gibari were chanting for the human sacrifice's safe trip to that big ol' place up there. "Ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho, ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho, ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho…"

Kalas half-cried, half-sobbed, half-giggled "NUUU! TAKE SOMEONE ELSE! Teehee! . ' . ' . ' "

"Yeah? Like who?" Gibari asked, "Only you're stupid enough to appease the great Baganum's appetite."

"He only takes complete idiots," Savyna plainly explained.

Geldoblame suddenly appeared in all his idiocy. "HIM!" Kalas deduced, and untied himself to dash away frantically.

"If he could untie himself, why didn't he do it sooner…?" Savyna's eye began to twitch.

The antihero held a hand into the air triumphantly and blew his nose. "AGHA FOOLS! I WIN AGAIN! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!"

Kalas tripped as he ran off on a randomly placed treasure chest. I think the chests are shiny. And very green. I like green.

"YOU SAW NOTHING!"

Geldoblame screeched as the Bauganum ate him, like a bat getting eaten by a Bauganum. Moohaha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"Our sacrifice is complete!" Savyna cheered.

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Gibari chanted.

"The revival is done!"

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"

"We will be rewarded with joyous candy!"

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"

"Hershey's!"

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"

"Reeses!"

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"

"Even the sacred Dove chocolate!"

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"

Xelha had finished eating her shoe and eagerly stared at the green treasure box Kalas tripped on. Upon opening it, a small Xelha chibi popped out. "OHMIGAWDS! You're so cute! I shall name you Squishy, and you will be mine, and you shall be my Squishy."

…At the bear's (giggle) house…

'..Mizuti… can not be here with us any longer. So… Melodia is here as a replacement for Kee, who couldn't be here either. Well, that was his own fault.'

Melodia sat on top of one of the beds that belonged to the… bears. (giggle) "It is too big." She moved on… "It is too small." She moved on again… "It is just right. DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHHAA!"

'O.O'

"Come… save us… from a thousand years of darkness… brilliant, white wings for you… for the world… DEATH AND-"

The Authoress dropped a smelly sock on her smelly head. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"It's too… IT SMELLS SO GOOD!" Melodia huggled the sock tightly. "I love you. I'll never leave you. I'll name you Squishy."

…With Kalas…

"It's… That's it… for me… No more life… No… more life is left… in my veins… GOODBYE WORLD! I'll miss you all… I'll miss you…"

Kalas screamed as he stumbled through the exit of the maze. "…What? I'm… I'm alive? I'M ALIVE! I KISS THE SWEET GROUND!" He knelt down to do so, and got sucked up by a puddle of quicksand. Ha. Ha. Ha.

* * *

BCM999: Is it done already? My chappie's done? Seriously? The plot's done? O.o Let's see… … Yeah… O.o And to think. I finished typing all this before a search at Quizilla finished. X.X Jeez. I should do an advanced search, shouldn't I?

Kalas: I have no idea what you just said.

BCM999: KALAS! GO AWAY! YOU'RE DEAD, REMEMBER?

Kalas: No. I'm right here.

BCM999: -.-

Xelha: What happened to me? I don't get this at all.

BCM999: That's when you go, "HAHAHA! I DON'T GET IT! BUT IT'S DAMN HILARIOUS ANYWAYS!"

Xelha: O.o'

BCM999: XD R&R! I'M HIGH!


	9. Princess and the Pea

BCM999: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long… I've just been so incredibly busy… Chapter 9 of this merry little fic is now here, though. :3 You know, I had like half of this ready 6 months ago and lost it in my ocean of files… And I forgot everything that happened in the last chapter. Would someone like to tell me? o.o;;

Kalas: I died, but I'm still here for some reason.

BCM999: Ohh yeah… Kalas died. Shoo. Go away.

Kalas: Whyyyyyyyy?

BCM999: You're dead.

Kalas: No I'm not. I'm right here.

Gibari: 'eats Kalas' Now you're dead.

BCM999: O.O;; I'll just type something up with no memory of what happened before. Yes.

Xelha: Did I die?

BCM999: Be quiet while I type, foo'. Someone do the disclaimer.

Xelha: But you just told me to be quiet…

BCM999: Yes. YOU be quiet. You're annoying me.

Xelha: TT

Lyude: BlueCrescentMoon999 does not own Baten Kaitos. Namco and Nintendo do.

BCM999: Good Lyude. You get a happy squeak toy.

Lyude: Yay

BCM999: I just took up a page doing a stupid author's note thingy. o.o;;

Review Responses…

Guardian Spirit Raina- DS got cancelled:O That's okay. I don't have a DS anyways. XD Lyrics! Ooh! Those are shiny. :3 Ta-ladi-da-di-da, Ta-ladi-da!

Rebbe- Rebbe-Sama! XD I stole their sacrificing song from Finding Nemo. Heheh… Yay for making Rebbe-Sama laugh muchly.

NekoHaruna- Wah! I still wanna hear that Steve song. :3 And I'll bet Melodia scares more out of me then you. o.o XD

freakyanimegal456- Yes! Lyude's acting like Cheese, because Cheese is awesome. :3 "I like cereal…"

The Shadowfox Mistress- I hope your laughing so late at night didn't get you killed or something! o.o;; And yes! Soren! Soren is awesome-ness at the highest level. .

Tornack- Wahh! I like Kalas! o.o I just think making fun of him is so entertaining. XD You're in the WAI Ninja Clan now, so feel free to post. :3

Silver Neko Kitsune – Thank you for your review! Here's a new chapter. XD

Greythorne Girl – Your penname makes me think of some superhero or something. Hee. Thanks. 3 You're cool, too. XD

(AHHH! THIS FIC HAS BEEN UP OVER A YEAR!!! o.o;;)

* * *

" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...

Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 2/15/07

* * *

Chapter Nine: The Princess and the Pea

Once upon a time, in Kafaljih-ice-place's huge empire castle thing, there was a royal family. It consisted of 4 merry people: the King, Geldoblame, the Queen, Barnette, the Princess, Xelha, and the Prince, Kalas. Apparently, Kalas and Xelha somehow got related. They lived a happy, joyous life-

"Hold on a second!!" Xelha, sitting on a fluffy bed inside a room of the Kafaljih-ice-place, interrupted the Authoress, "What are you implying?! I mean, I can live with weird Barnette being my mother, but Geldoblame's my father?!"

'Yes. It makes for great humor, foo'. Haha for you. :3 Would you like fries with that?'

Xelha pondered this thought for a moment, before it hit her; "it" being a cookie. She rubbed the spot it whacked and carefully ate it. "But I thought Geldoblame was sacrificed last chapter? And no, I'm fine with out fries."

'Psh. I don't remember what happened last chapter. I thought I told you that?'

"Yeah, but then I kindly offered to explain, when you meanly told me to shut up." Xelha sniffled her nose and wiped it with her sleeve. Her sleeve quickly got snotty.

The Authoress folded her arms, which is hard to do while typing. 'You make me sound so mean. I just said to be quiet because you were annoying me. If you really want to, you can tell me what happened last chapter right now.'

The blonde leapt about the room happily with agreement to the Authoress' suggestion. Xelha was acting like a bunny high on carrots. If carrots could make people drunk, those rabbits would be some crazy kind of drunk. Anyways, she dove towards a toy box, hugging it once it was in reach. Cackling maniacally, she thrust it open and pulled out a set of puppets. "Mweeheehee!

Out of the sky fell a mini theater and a tiny chair. You know, one of those tiny things that kindergarteners sit in for happy play time. Xelha popped out of the Authoress screen and shoved her into the happy play time chair before heading behind the theater. "NOW FOR YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION." A voice boomed, like those voices at the movie theaters- the voice that comes before every movie during the previews and sounds exactly the same every time.

The curtains flew open to reveal crudely formed puppets of Geldoblame, Savyna, Gibari, and a black thing. They all were standing- meaning Xelha had to have 4 hands to operate all of them, which she does as of now. Like one of those Inca things with the 4 arms. Yeah, I have no clue what I'm talking about.

The black thing soared through the air and slammed into the Geldoblame puppet with an odd noise like, "MHWAHMWAHMAHAW!!!"

Puppet Savyna rose into the air. "Our sacrifice is complete!" Xelha squeaked, trying to match Savyna's voice. She failed, sounding like a squeaking rubber duck.

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Xelha grumbled lowly, sounding like a lawnmower.

"The revival is done!" Xelha squeaking rubber duck-ed.

"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Xelha lawnmower-ed.

"We will be rewarded with joyous candy!"

The Authoress decided to pay no attention to Xelha, and stuffed her complimentary peanuts down her mouth. The Authoress likes peanuts. They're like little nuts. Maybe because they are! O

Xelha threw the current puppets to the floor and rummaged around for new ones. She picked up one of herself. "I SHALL NAME YOU SQUISHY," the puppet Xelha declared, picking up a puppet treasure box.

She put that puppet down and whipped brought out a Melodia puppet. "DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!!! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHHAA!!" The blonde proceeded to pull her sock off and whack puppet Melodia with it. I should draw that. :3

Kalas puppet took the place of Melodia puppet, and Xelha screamed in an odd voice, "I KISS THE SWEET GROUND!" before pulling the puppet down below the stage in slow motion. "NooOooooOOOOOooOOOooooo…"

'Hey, I'm out of peanuts.' The Authoress shook her empty bag with a frown.

"I'm done. You remember now?"

'Remember what? OH! I'm supposed to act like I was paying attention. Yes. I totally remember what I'm supposed to have just remembered. I have no clue what I'm talking about.'

"Good. Now I'll need a new father for this chapter." Xelha reminded the Authoress while stuffing the puppets back into her toy box.

'Why?'

Xelha screamed loudly, kicking her toy box. "BECAUSE GELDOBLAME IS DEAD!!! …And look what you went and made me do! My poor foot…"

'Teehee. We're on page 4. And Geldoblame's still alive, silly. Giacomo over there missed him, and did human transmutation, sacrificing himself to make homunculus Geldoblame, the little kreaf.'

"Bless you," Xelha replied. "And I don't understand any of that."

'AHHHHHHHH!!! FMA IS SNEAKING ITSELF INTO MY BK STORY!!!' The Authoress panicked, ramming her head into her keyboard. '…I think I broke my keyboard…'

"Well, that's your own fault." Xelha stuck her tongue out at the Authoress before it hit her, "it" being another cookie. "WHO IS THROWING THESE COOKIES AT ME?!? …Anyways… I don't get it. How are you still typing if your keyboard is broken?"

'Oh… uh… um…,' The Authoress stuttered. She stuck her hand into her computer screen and tapped Xelha's head. 'Sleep.'

Xelha fell over into a deep slumber. The Authoress tapped her head again, 'Awake.'

"WHO IS THROWING THESE COOKIES AT ME?!?" Xelha screamed, before looking around confused. "Where am I?"

'You are the agent StickyFingers. The earth is under attack, Agent StickyFingers! It's up to you to save it!'

"OHMIGAWD!" Xelha ohmigawd-ed. "I must go save the planet earth!" She donned a pink cape before leaping out the nearest window.

The Authoress giggled at Agent StickyFingers, when Kalas burst into the room. "Father Geldoblame says to get on with the fic before he goes all homunculus on you."

'…"Father Geldoblame"? You make the kreaf sound like a priest.'

"…You're right… That's weird…"

'Wait… Priest? AHHHH!!! CC IS SNEAKING INTO MY FICS, TOO!!! AHHHHH!!! Wait again… You're supposed to be dead.'

Kalas flinched at a cookie that was thrown at him. "Who's throwing cookies? …Oh. I escaped that evil quicksand with my uber quicksand attack of sumo-doomo."

But Father Geldoblame is right. I must continue with the fic, entertaining as my offtopic-ness maybe… Or not. Whatever.

Following Kalas' previous example, Barnette burst into the room. "We must find Kalas a bride! For the sake of the plot!"

Not expecting that one, Kalas gasped like a chicken. That doesn't provide a clear image in people's minds… But whatever. "What? I don't wanna…"

'Kalas! Do you WANT to kill the plot?'

"I don't care. I just don't wanna get married."

'YOU SELFISH POOPHEAD!'

He blinked at the Authoress' odd choice of an insult, as Barnette whacked him violently over the head. "Quiet, you. Father Geldoblame and I will leave now to gather possible women to be your bride."

Kalas screamed bloody murder and broke out the mace. He shook the bottle before spraying it everywhere in sight. Its times like this that the Authoress here is glad there's a screen between her and the characters. Poor, poor idiot Kalas shook the bottle too much, causing it to explode everywhere.

MACE ATTACK!!! Press these buttons to dodge!!! A, B, UP, DOWN, A, UP, DOWN!!!

Successful!!! 10 EXP gained!!!

Everyone had jumped out the window that Agent StickyFingers had already busted, escaping the evil mace attack. They whoooooooshed through the air, landing on the Great Mizuti.

Wait, what?

"Hey, hey, hey! Why you be landing on the Great Mizuti?! Does Great Mizuti have to be kicking you?" Mizuti floated up with her birdy, lifting everyone else up with her, to drop them down all wrestling-like. Even though the Authoress doesn't care for wrestling.

Jeezers, 5 pages and we're not even halfway done…

Kalas flumped onto the ground after being wrestle-ized by the Great Mizuti. "Why me? All I was trying to do was stop from getting married… I haven't even graduated from high school yet! My real daddy always told me to graduate before getting married."

'No, you have it all wrong,' the Authoress began, 'You haven't graduated from high school yet because you failed.'

"…Oh yeah… Whatever."

"You be waiting a second now!" Mizuti exclaimed, looking from Kalas to the Authoress. "The Authoress be calling Great Mizuti here because Great Mizuti is to be being the role of the Princess from Alfard come to marry Kafal-place's Prince. That person be Kalas?" Wow, talk about a confusing sentence.

'Aye.'

"GREAT MIZUTI BE OUTTA HERE."

'Noooo! The plot! You must stick with the plot!'

Father Geldoblame popped up from nowhere and brought his breadstick of doom-o upon Great Mizuti's unappreciated-ing head. "Father Geldoblame says make peace, not war, or he will eat you. Let us get on with the pointless plot."

'Yeeeah! You don't want this kreaf to eat you, do you? Noooooo!'

Mizuti pouted and folded her arms. "Great Mizuti be headed toward that one weird bed that a pea be under…"

Kalas screamed bloodier murder then before and proceeded to rip out the hair on his head. Teehee. Bald Kalas. That's funny…

Xelha parachuted down from the sky, holding a small U.S. flag. "Earth has been saved!"

"…What the hell are you doing?" Kalas asked after a moment of silence.

"I am Agent StickyFingers! I just saved the planet earth from the aliens."

"You're an idiot."

Meanwhile with the Great Mizuti…

Great Mizuti was struggling to climb upon the very tall stack of mattresses that Father Geldoblame took time to build. It is this time that Mizuti is whisked into the magical elevator to transform into… TICKLE-ME-MIZUTI. I don't know… Tickle-Me-Mizuti resumed her quest to climb the mountain of mattresses by just flying up to the top with her birdy thing.

Having reached the top, she contemplated on if she really wanted to do this. Stay here and get married to a kreaf, or leave and get eaten by an even bigger kreaf. "This be a very tough decision. Just like vanilla or chocolate, cats or dogs, red or blue… Great Mizuti be hungry."

She stood up and flew back down, headed for Burger King.

With the other crazy people…

Kalas flapped his arms around, his cheeks puffed out. "QUACK. QUACK."

"…A turkey! You're a turkey!" Xelha screamed, her eyes bulging out of her head.

The blue-nette shook his head violently, continuing to flap his arms. "QUACK! QUACK!"

"A chicken! Chickens go quack!" Xelha exclaimed.

"No, foo'!" Father Geldoblame smacked the back of the girl's head. "Chickens don't go quack! They squeak! …Hey! You're a mouse!"

Kalas' eye began to twitch as he strode over to Geldoblame and kung-fu-kicked him. "NO, BAKA. I AM A DUCK."

Xelha excitedly waved her hand in the air. "I GOT IT! YOU'RE A DUCK!"

'What ARE you guys doing?' The Authoress asked bluntly, watching the weird people below her making weird noises outside of the castle.

"Charades." Barnette simply replied. "At least that's what they're playing."

"That's what we WERE playing before Xelha went all stupid." Kalas rolled his eyes. "I think her smartness chip is broken; she's needs a new one. And besides… being stupid is my job anyways."

'Okay… Let's wrap this thing up…'

"Already?!" Father Geldoblame exclaimed. "You're not even past 2000 words yet!"

'Yes I am… I just checked the word count…'

Xelha suddenly leapt out of the Authoress' screen and strangled her. "I'LL HELP YOU TYPE THE STORY!! AHH! But we can't continue until Great Mizuti gets back from Burger King!" She released the Authoress with a smug kitty face.

At Burger King…

Great Mizuti squealed happily as she whooshed down the fun-fun slide in the playpen. "WHEEEEE! Great Mizuti be having a smackin' good time!"

The Authoress snapped her fingers and Mizuti was teleported back to the mattress hut, the new name for that mountain thing of mattresses.

And this is the point in this chapter where the Authoress wonders what will happen next. She will now go to sleep and whatever happens in her dream will be the next thing. D

Kalas watched as the Authoress slipped into a peaceful slumber. He blinked confusedly at the situation at hand. "When did I get here? Why am I watching the weird person go to sleep? What's happening? AHH!"

Xelha seized up the opportunity to type the story for the Authoress, as she somehow managed to jump through the screen.

'Hallo all! Xelha here. 3 I like this face. Anyways, it's time to get back to the story now since the Authoress is sleeping. Wouldn't it be great it when she woke up, the chapter would be all done and ready to be submitted? Ahh! The thought of it makes me giddy. I wonder how I do this snappy fingers thing. I should try snapping and seeing if I can get Mizuti to poof back to Kafaljhidma…Is that how it's spelled? Oh well.'

The blonde stared hard into the computer screen and gave a quick snap. She sat there motionless, waiting for something to happen. A sudden scream from her filled the air as she got sucked away to Russia. Coincidentally, Mizuti _and _Kalas also poof-ed away to the castle place, where the others were waiting.

Nothing here is really happening fast, so the BCM999 fic association will just fast forward this here fic to the ending. This association actually just consists of BCM999 herself, but no one has to know that.

"Great Mizuti's back be hurting," Mizuti mumbled as she sat up in her bed during the next morning. The Authoress' giggled at her, as she managed to get a good night's sleep, herself. Mizuti grumbled weird little phrases to herself as she groggily rubbed her mask with her hand, such as, 'the duck shall die before dawn,' and 'the cow drinks its own hard drive.'

She proceeded to roll off the bed, as she usually did every morning, to find herself falling through miles of air. The mattresses were piled up really high, silly goose! Oddly enough, the child of the earth managed to land on a pile of bananas, which cushioned the hardh landing. But oh noes! The insides of the bananas that exploded were poisonous!

POISONOUS BANANA!!! Press these buttons to dodge!!! B, A, UP, UP, UP, DOWN!!!

Successful!!! 10 exp gained!!!

Mizuti dive rolled out of the room, and into the absolutely enormous throne room. She plopped down in front of Kalas, Geldoblame, and Barnette. "Oh my gawd!" Geldoblame exclaimed, "You're a princess! My princess detector said so! YOU WIN!" Mizuti was showered with sparkles and confetti, just like whenever someone wins American Idol. Something like that.

Anyways, things were all merry in the land of Baten Kaitos. Kalas escaped having to marry Mizuti, and vice versa, as the blue-nette ran away from home, changed his name to Harold, and started a noodle cart far away in Mira. Mizuti pulled off a Palolo II and poofed over to Kalas' noodle cart to have some good ol'fashioned ramen.

The only problem is, where has Xelha gone? Is she still stuck in Russia? Why did she go to Russia anyways… Meh. Find out next time on… DEAL OR NO DEAL.

* * *

BCM999: I don't know what that was… I think I need to renew my sense of humor. o.o

Kalas: Aren't I supposed to be dead?

BCM999: That's what I said…

Kalas: o.o

BCM999: o.o Anyways… Again, I'm sorry this took so long, and that it's semi-short-ish… I'll get the next one up before summer, I promise.

Kalas: You shouldn't make promises you can't keep.

BCM999: I CAN TOTALLY KEEP THIS ONE.

Kalas: …R&R plox. 3

BCM999: Kalas just said plox… The world is about to end. o.o;;


End file.
